Teabags Have Balls Removed

Los Angeles - L.A.C.B.L. expressed sympathies today for Jeff Fine, owner of the Boston Teabag Party. Thursday Fine had an operation to remove two swollen balls from his mouth. While Fine has not made a formal statement divulging the need for the operation, Dr. Ed Scissorhands reports that his balls were simply taking up too much space in his mouth. Some have expressed shock at the need for such an operation, but others familiar with Fine’s amazing flexibility are not as surprised. Fellow team owner Kelly Avery, an amateur expert on the subject, conducted her own extensive examination earlier in the week (see photo) and has confirmed that Fine’s balls could no longer comfortably fit in a typical human’s mouth.

According to fiancé, "Cooper", Fine has spent most of his time since the operation eating ice cream and staring longingly at his team logo. How the loss of his balls will affect Fine’s performance in the league is not yet clear. One thing is clear: Fine will be resigned to the receiving end of any future Boston teabag parties.

Déjà vu All Over Again

Bowling League historians have well documented some of Mark Sonka’s ill-fated moves and bouts of self-destruction over the years, from Kaz Matsui’ing the LACBL to his masochistic affection for Byung Hyun Kim. We’ve reached the beginning of week 11 in the 2007 fantasy baseball season (out of 25), and Mark Sonka finds himself entrenched atop the leaderboard. While this may seem an anomaly in Los Angeles, this story seems all too familiar.

Quick perusal of LA Times archives have confirmed that, in fact, we’ve seen this play before. In the ‘End of May Power Rankings” for the 2005 season (LACBL 4), Mark Sonka (a.k.a. Hannibal’s Cannibals) sat in first place.

“As baffling as it is to find Hannibal's Cannibals in the top spot (and yes, it is beyond disturbing typing this), owner Mark Sonka has his team established as the favorite at this point in the season. One-third of the way through the 2005 season, Sonka has used his new persona, as well as an astounding sense of self-restraint, to prevent himself from destroying his chances at the League Championship. Ranked highly by every team owner, the Cannibals are ranked near the top of all the power batting categories, and solid across the board in pitching.”

Despite looking like the clear favorite to break his LACBL drought that season, Sonka ran into a plague of bad luck and injuries down the stretch, ultimately finishing the 2005 season in 5^th place in the league standings.

Just as they were in 2005, this year’s Gashouse Gorillas team is solid across the board. Sonka’s squad is the only team in the LACBL with 4 or more points in EVERY statistical category. Perhaps more impressive is his total of 18 points combined in Wins and Losses (10 in wins, 8 in losses). To underscore just how difficult this is to accomplish, no other team in the league has more than 13 points combined in these categories.

Only time will tell whether Mark is able to put it all together this season, avoid crippling injuries, and remain in the hunt for the LACBL championship that has been so elusive so far. It’s clear, however, that this owner no longer needs to be protected from himself. Instead, the Bowling League may need to be protected from these dangerous Gorillas.

Golden Gibler Standings - June 10

Team	Pts	PtsBehind	Moves	GibbyPts
Achievers	37.5	57	20	1140
4Dingers	44.5	50	19	950
NTAC	70	24.5	22	539
Gutterballs	70.5	24	20	480
GhettoRevival	60	34.5	7	241.5
CleftAHoles	82	12.5	18	225
1Hitters	72.5	22	6	132
TBags	91	3.5	14	49
Crazy88	92.5	2	9	18
Gashouse	94.5	0	18	0