The Bowling League

Why?

2011-03-19T12:50:00.009-04:00

In October, 1993, Michael Jordan walked away from the Chicago Bulls at the height of his NBA power. With championship rings on three of his fingers, Jordan told a shocked sports world that “the desire isn’t there.” The cover of Sports Illustrated had an image of the three-time champ walking away, accompanied by the lonely word “Why?” The city of Chicago was devastated, and basketball fans everywhere mourned the loss of such a singular talent.

Eighteen years later, the city of Los Angeles was left in the same stunned silence after the eerily similar retirement announcement of Mac “The Dude” Avery. The owner of the Jackie Treehorns (and Voltron-esque combo team called the “Little Lebowski Urban Treehorns”) is walking away from The Bowling League with three championship rings in the nine season history of the LACBL. As with MJ, JMA didn't feel the same desire to keep playing. Still the most feared FBB owner in the league, Avery’s departure leaves a huge void.

Jordan walked away from basketball to seek a new challenge in a new sport, as he tried his hand at professional baseball. His stint in baseball could only be described in Hobbesian terms - “nasty, brutish, and short.” Jordan returned a few years later, stringing together three more titles before walking away for the final time (editor’s note: the “Michael Jordan” who played for the Washington Wizards years later was of no relation, and the shared name is merely coincidental).

Again, the parallels between Jordan and Avery are uncanny. Avery leaves fantasy baseball to focus on a new challenge in the new sport of pool. League owners and fans hope that Avery’s career continues to follow the Jordan trajectory via a return to Los Angeles one day. Fortunately for Avery, but unfortunate for those hoping for a return, Mac is infinitely better at pool than Jordan was at baseball. As such, we offer a few final words to honor the passing of the Jackie Treehorns, an LACBL pioneer:

“Mac was a good owner, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and fantasy baseball, and the Bowling League. And as a professional body boarder he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to San Luis Obispo, and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Mac. Mac, who loved the Bowling League. And so, James Macalister Avery, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.”

Top Ten

2009-05-05T23:10:00.005-04:00

Darren posted the top five reasons I would not repeat this year. They were all hilarious and I’m reposting them here so you can enjoy them again. I am also posting my top 10 reasons I WILL repeat this year.

Darren’s top five reasons I won’t repeat:
5. Mac's erection from winning the championship last year lasted more than four hours, prompting a call to the doctor who's advising no more titles.

4. Josh has already @#$%^ declared that his #%$*&# team is pretty &$^%#)* much the "World F#$%^& Champs." Treehorn's repeat? You can %#$!&* fugettaboutit. You got that?!

3. That "feel-good story of '08", where Kelly bailed-out Mac's team, allowing him to dump all his toxic assets and take home $$$ on the back of someone else's effort, doesn't play so well with the public for some reason in '09.

2. What are the statistical chances of finding a first round gem in round 14 of the draft? (Nothing like a statistical question to keep a political scientist distracted until October - Mwuhahaha!)

1. Kelly is with-holding all draft advice until Mac's drawing of his penis is more anatomically correct.

Top ten reasons I will repeat:
10. I’m dating my doctor who will now proscribe anything she can to induce erections of more than two minutes.

9. Four Dingers have Marco Scutaro at short, which means there are only eight teams to compete with.

8. This doctor I met at a bar at 11am today said that eating five “brain food” nutritional bars a day will offset the damage that the daily 5th of low-grade vodka does.

7. Wearing my lucky undies all season long is sure to induce a winning streak (of some sort).

6. Speaking of streaks: Ending my streak of ten straight Midwest Political Science Association meetings this spring means I’m starting to make wiser decisions generally.

5. Thirty minutes of Zen meditation before making roster moves.

4. Bengie Molina

3. Unbeknownst to him (unless he reads this), Jeff is writing our book by himself this summer, which means less FBB time for him and more for me.

2. The $4,000 summer grant I got for the book Jeff is writing means less time selling crack at Latimer and 15th St., which again means more time for FBB.

1. As commissioner, I can do whatever the hell I want.

Proof that I will wear with pride

2009-05-03T11:57:00.004-04:00

In case you forgot 2008 already, I thought I would share something I got in the mail yesterday.

And If you can't see what it says...

Oh please, dude!

2009-04-12T12:31:00.001-04:00

I've got news for you - the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint! I've got buddies who died face down in the muck so I could enjoy this family blog!

Change

2009-04-12T10:13:00.003-04:00

Excuse me, sir. This is a family blog. PLEASE refrain from sexual innuendos.

Change Has Come to the Bowling League

2009-04-11T17:37:00.004-04:00

After five long years of the Hutchison administration, change has finally come to Los Angeles. The office of commissioner of the Bowling League has seen a relatively peaceful and nearly bloodless transition of power from Marc Hutchison to Mac Avery. With the Jackie Treehorns in now in control of the league, owners are still in the process of judging the quality of their new leader.

Los Angeles was forced into a period of uncertainty last fall when longtime czar Hutchison announced that he would not seek nor would he accept the league's nomination for another term as commissioner. Despite what his team name would lead one to believe, the Ass Clown administration was marked by numerous accomplishments. His reign saw a successful move from CNNSI to Yahoo, the banishment of deadbeat owners Jorge Figeroa, Mandi Bates, and Tae-Hyung Kim, the addition of Cyrus and Adam as quality owners, and the shift from a yearly league to a keeper league. The league has seen the tremendous highs of championships won, and the lows of trades too hideous to revisit. At the time of his shocking announcement, it was unclear who would fill this mammoth void.

Fortunately (perhaps) for the league, owner Mac Avery has a long history of "filling mammoth voids." A renowned "chubby chaser," Mac inserted his meager presence into the cavernous opening and thrust the league ahead. The league is flushed with excitement and has swelled with eagerness to see how firmly Avery will grip this enticing opportunity as he plunges forward (and back, forward and back).

Clearly, change has come to the Bowling League. History will judge whether this will be a positive change or more of the same.

The Year of the Remake

2008-09-28T13:13:00.006-04:00

It’s been a year filled with remakes of old television shows and movies in Los Angeles. We already have a new Knight Rider show, a failed Bionic Woman show, a Terminator show, and new movie installments of Batman and Indiana Jones. There’s a likely A-Team movie on the horizon, talks of a Goonies sequel, and possibly a 3^rd Ghostbusters movie. With all these old shows and movies returning, perhaps we should not be surprised by the 6^th edition of the Los Angeles County Bowling League. While our league is not run by Hollywood execs, the Fantasy Baseball Gods have clearly put together yet another 80s movie remake.

Last year, the Boston Teabag Party came away with the LACBL championship trophy, while Mac Avery’s Gutterballs were left cradling the Golden Gibler Award for Roster Futility. To entertain themselves, the Fantasy Gods have decided to remake Trading Places for 2008, wagering one dollar that they could turn a homeless, luckless Mac Avery into league champion once again, and turn league champion Jeff Fine into the Golden Gibler winner.

By using an obscure loophole (i.e. marriage) to skirt the keeper rules, Mac was given an immediate infusion of talent that had not been subjected to his 2006-07 mismanagement. With the Fantasy Gods also giving Mac the gift of players like Josh Hamilton, Geovany Soto, and Edinson Volquez, they were able to turn this hapless loser into the king of Los Angeles.

Turning Jeff’s team into the Golden Gibler winner was easy as well. The Fantasy Gods gave this team a series of players who spent time in the minor leagues (Saltalamacchia, Longoria, Liriano), forcing roster moves that would not otherwise have been needed. A lack of multiple solid options at closer led the Lollygaggers to punt on saves, leading to a strategy of streaming starters that racked up dozens of moves. Finally, an endless rotation of pathetic performances at catcher and second base led to further futile roster moves.

What we were ultimately left with was a script that was all too familiar, and all too entertaining for our league’s version of Mortimer and Randolph Duke.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

2008-09-02T16:13:00.002-04:00

It’s early September, 2007, and Los Angeles is filled with the excitement of two dramatic Bowling League races. Atop the LACBL standings sits Josh Poulette and the Crazy 88, with a roster filled with all closers and no starters. Directly behind him in the standings, Jeff Fine’s Boston Teabag Party looms with a roster mainly comprised of closers as well. The race appears likely to be competitive for the remainder of the season, and all of Los Angeles watches in anticipation (except for Adam, who may or may not have been watching at all at that point).

Meanwhile, there is friction elsewhere in the League, as husband/wife opponents Mac and Kelly Avery steam up the windows as they both huff their way towards the Golden Gibler. Maude and the L.L. Urban Achievers have held a lead for much of the season, but Mac and the Gutterballs are charging towards her back door. The race is hard to watch, but somehow it’s impossible to look away. Another fierce race captivates the Bowling League.

Flash forward one year to September, 2008. The same two races in the same league appear to be all but over. There is no race at the top of the leaderboard. Instead, last year’s Gibby leaders have merge their loins and spawned a drinking, swearing, pool-shooting, ass-grabbing juggernaut that dominates the LACBL. Not since Team Cyrus abused fellow competitors several years ago have we seen such a commanding presence atop the standings. In place of competition for first, we have a compelling battle for 2nd place between two of the unlikeliest of LACBL heroes. One of these teams, Rich and the Four Dingers, has been in “rebuilding” mode since the Bowling League moved to Yahoo in its second season. After finishing second to Mac in year one (sound familiar?), Fording and his team alliteration suffered a string of unlucky and unproductive seasons. Now that Rich has eschewed his diet of old has-beens and never-weres, he has asserted himself as a team to be reckoned with. Rich’s rival for runner-up remains the rogue once renowned for revolting results, former Rule of the ‘Rist and current Rude Boy Adam Butz, who has recently risen in the ranks to contend for requisite recognition. Adam has made shrewd managerial decisions, and assembled a team that has steadily moved into position to finish in the money. This would mark a serious departure from previous seasons, when Adam was left holding the Golden Gibler and a fistful of broken dreams.

While we lack a competitive race for the LACBL crown, we do have a close one for the Golden Gibler Award for Roster Futility between the Crazy 88 and Jeff Fine’s aptly named LA Lollygaggers. Here’s what the current standings look like:

Jeff - 51.5 points out of first times 75 roster moves = 3862.5 Gibby Points
Josh - 32 points out of first times 116 roster moves = 3712 Gibby Points

This race will likely hinge on a few things: (1) whether Josh continues to stream starters in an attempt to struggle against the quicksand that snagged him late this summer, (2) whether Josh drops any lower in the overall standings, and (3) whether Jeff can get his underperforming group of worthless toolbags to rally in the standings.
So for the three teams that apparently still pay attention to the Bowling League in 2008, stay tuned to see how the (somewhat) exciting races for 2nd and Gibby glory shake out over the next few weeks!

Fenway!

2008-08-31T12:06:00.002-04:00

The Heart of Fantasy Darkness

2008-08-02T10:40:00.008-04:00

Maud Achiever had been captaining the steam boat up the Congo River (or a PBR boat up the Nung River if you prefer the movie) for the last three weeks. Treehorn had been remarkably successful with his fantasy team and had won respect and revere from the natives. The station captain (or Army general if, again, you prefer the movie), however, assured Maud that he had reached his breaking point, that his methods had become unsound.

"When you find Treehorn, infiltrate his team by whatever means available and terminate Treehorn's command. He's out there managing without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any acceptable fantasy baseball conduct. And he is still in the dugout commanding players."

"Terminate Treehorn?"

"Terminate with extreme prejudice."

From the river she could see his office where the computer was housed. Around the office were posts with bulbous objects atop. Human heads? No. Autographed baseballs. He has gone mad!

A lanky European named Marvin was waiting on the beach and jumped aboard as the boat reached shore.
“You’re here for him, aren’t you?”
“I need to talk to Treehorn.”
“Hey man, you don’t talk to Treehorn, you listen to him!”

That first night Maud crept up the stairs to Treehorn’s office. Through the crack in his door she could see the glow of Stattracker and heard the tapping of keys on the computer. As she approached, she saw that he had just traded Chad Billingsley for Mark Teixeira. But he had a huge lead in HRs and RBI, while vulnerable in quality starts and Ks per nine. He had a chance to catch the leader in Ks, the leader who he had just traded Billingsley to. Mad. He was mad (or at least insanely over confident in his recent spot starting success).

“Are you a fantasy baseball owner?”
“I’m a baseball fan.”
“You’re neither. You're an errand girl, sent by grocery clerks, to collect a bill. I've seen horrors, er, I mean homers…homers that you've seen. But you have no right to call me a fanatic. You have a right to stop me. You have a right to do that...but you have no right to judge me. I’ve seen C.C. Sabathia crawl along the edge of a strait razor…and survive! I’ve seen Josh Hamilton jog his way around the bases. And I thought: My God... the genius of that. The genius. The ability to do that. Perfect, genuine, complete, crystalline, pure. We must beat them. We must incinerate them. Night after night. Team after team. Owner after owner. League after league.”

The next night Maud slipped out from the bedroom to the kitchen, grabbed the butcher knife, and creped back up the stairs to his office. The scent of decaying pizza and stale beer was overwhelming. Terrifying chants of baseball announcers hummed in the background. He was sick, but she couldn’t wait for him to self-destruct. She lunged at the computer with her knife. Sparks flew, beer flowed over the keyboard, and the screen flickered, then died.

When the computer putter out, so too did Treehorn who lay motionless on the rug clutching his mouse. With his last breath he whispered, “The horror…the horror.”

Fine Looks to Build Up on Trophies of a Different Sort

2008-06-29T13:30:00.003-04:00

After winning his second LCBL championship last year, Jeff went out and bought a 4’ by 6’ trophy case, confident that he would take a trophy home every year.

Reality: Knock, knock.
Jeff: “Whose there?”
Reality: “Reality”
Jeff: “Reality who?”
Reality: “Reality! Just plain, simple reality…well, reality with a little sub-par Verlander, Cain, Howard, Liriano, Oritz, Francoeur, Saltman, and Weeks added.”

With the championship trophy clearly out of reach, Fine now looks to fill his trophy case with whatever he can get. In the LCBL, that means a product of his own creation: the somewhat less coveted Golden Gibler Award, given to the team with the most futile roster activity.

In 9th place, Fine’s L.A. Lollygaggers have only made 40 roster moves this year – not close to the 79 moves made by second-place Crazy 88s and still five fewer than the first-place Treehorns. However, 14 of those 40 roster moves have been made in the last 5 days. Clearly, Fine, having recognized his hopelessness in this years LCBL, and fearful of having a huge trophy case with little in it, is happy to fill his case with whatever he can get his hands on.

New Ownership Pledges Overhaul of Lollygaggers

2008-06-15T13:16:00.006-04:00

Being a deadbeat owner is a clear violation of one of the 5 Commandments in the Bowling League, punishable by mockery and possible expulsion from the LACBL. Typically, this neglect is apparent, with DL’ed players in the lineup, missing starts, and a failure to rotate players to deal with days off or injuries. The hideous performance of the L.A. Lollygaggers this season might have masked the recent disregard of this clusterf*ck by owner Jeff Fine. This abandonment, however, was the product of a major distraction rather than a lack of interest in steering the ‘Gaggers from the gutter.

Last weekend, Lollygagger owner Jeff Fine was (finally) wedded to special lady friend Amanda Cooper, the former object of desire of Sammy “Marvin” Sosa. In addition to preventing Fine from managing his roster effectively over the past two weeks, this union has also led to a modified ownership group for the defending champions, as Cooper has seized a 50 percent share of the Lollygaggers. Despite his efforts to protect his fantasy team from such a takeover, the prenuptial agreement was apparently not iron clad. A consummate cheapskate, Fine eschewed the Massey Prenup for a lesser substitute. The holes in the agreement have allowed Cooper to gain split control of all Jeff’s assets, changing the direction in which the Lollygaggers will head in the future.

New owner Cooper pledges to overhaul the roster of the Lollygaggers. She has vowed to return this miserable team to its former glory next season, rather than waiting for Jeff’s long-term rebuilding plan to mature. The cornerstone of her plan is to put every player on the trading block, especially previously untouchable players like Ryan Howard. Cooper vows not only to build a winner, but to do so without owning any players from Braves’ rival teams in the NL East. Time will tell whether the Lollygaggers will be able to successfully dodge both Yankees and NL Easters while still returning to the top of the LACBL.

Bums Round Up Usual Suspect...But Why?

2008-05-16T15:08:00.005-04:00

There was a reliever.....Kobayashi. Darren, explain this pickup to me. Convince me he's the full time closer. Tell me every last detail.

Or at least put together a montage that explains it to me? I just don't get it.

The Nationals are "Softball Girls" ???

2008-05-13T11:29:00.002-04:00

As a Phillies fan, I'm inclined to agree....but for an opposing player to say this?

Story here.

He'd better wear full body armor next time he takes the plate against the Nats. I have a feeling we might see a slightly high-and-inside pitch or two.

AL Ytnuoc Gnilwob Eugael: A Post-grading, Thank Whoever it’s Summer Evaluation

2008-05-11T13:27:00.006-04:00

Through May 11

Everything in the league is backward. Or, at least, a lot is backward. Despite my preference for a keeper league, I did worry that it might create a few dominant teams and a few teams (including my former team) that would never contend. I no longer have this worry.

In my opinion…

The four teams with the best bats starting off the season were the NTAC (Pujols, Cabrera, Reyes, Crawford), LA Lollygaggers (Howard, Guerrero, Ortiz, Morneau), Own Personal Jesus (A-Rod, Teixeira, H. Ramirez, Beltran, Delmon) and Crazy 88s (Wright, Holliday, Ordonez, Sizemore). Two of these four are in the cellar.

The team with by far the best pitching to start the season was the Show Dogs (Santana, Verlander, Zambrano, Young). Those four finished last year ranked 1st, 10th, 11th, and 15th among starting pitchers. Add to those four Harden, Hudson, and Maddux. Despite this, the only pitching category the Dogs are excelling at is WHIP (9th place) and they are in 8th place.

Things are backwards within a couple teams too. As he has noted, The Bums are in contention because of their hitting, not their pitching. This is a team I left for dead because I didn’t see any real keeper bats. (The rumors that I threatened to leave Maud if she wouldn’t hand over her team, however, are TOTALLY false, the product of a shameful smear campaign by the Lollygaggers.) Likewise, the strength of Own Personal Jesus is pitching, not hitting.

Below are the rankings since we started the keeper league. The only real strong consistencies are (1) the Crazy 88s being in contention and (2) the Rude Boys not. The only team besides the Rude Boys not finishing (or currently) within the top 4 in at least one of these years is the Treehorns, who were in 2nd for 2008 yesterday.
Team 2006 2007 2008
Own Personal Jesus (Cyrus) 1 5 3
Lollygaggers (Jeff) 2 1 10
Crazy 88s (Josh) 3 2 2
NTAC (Marc) 4 6 9
Show Dogs (Joe) 5 4 8
Treehorns (Maud, now Dude/Maud) 6 10 5
Fordingers (Rich) 7 7 1
Bums (Dude, now Darren) 8 8 4
Rude Boys (Adam) 9 9 7
Foo (Mark) 10 3 6

Of the five teams at the top (within 6.5 points of each other), three are teams that haven’t been in contention the last two years: Fordingers (7th in 2006 and 2007), Bums (8th in 2006 and 2007), and Treehorns (6th in 2006 and 10th in 2007).

Of course, this is all good news for the league. There is a good deal of competition at the top, new teams in contention, and the team that stood to lose the most from the rules change is in second. Of course, the rest of us all like seeing Jeff and Marc at the bottom too :)

Questions and Answers

Q: Will NTACs and Lollygaggers continue to stay true to their names, or will they get the pitching they need to pull out of the cellar and contend? (I have no doubt their hitting will come along.)

A: I don’t see how. NTACs are getting the saves, but outside of Fuentes, the other numbers look scary, especially now that Isringhausen is not closing (Hoffman next?). And the starting pitching is nothing short of hideous.

If Maine and Sheets keep things up, Cueto continues his (mostly) dominant pitching, and Burnett and Cain start pitching like we know they can, then the Lollygaggers could finish in the top three. Will this happen? It could, but I’m not betting on it.

Q: What teams at the top have what it takes to stay there?

A: Crazy 88s and Personal Jesus clearly do. Despite my pre-season prediction, The Bubs' batting should keep them within the top 5 too. Fordingers will probably stay in the top five, especially if Berkman can get a few more of his 3 HR, 11 Rs, 8RBI, 3 SBs, 2.3 OPS per week. The Treehorns are over performing and will probably continue the slide that started yesterday.

Q: Will the Show Dogs continue to meow?

A: No way. If they can stay healthy, the Dogs will start to bark and finish among the leaders. Verlander and Young will only get better, Harden will actually stay healthy for the rest of the season, Zambrano and Santana will continue their dominance, and they will finish the season with the best pitching and among the top three.

Q: Foo Manchus or Foo Manpoos?

A: Foo Manpoos. The hitting will be fine, but with only two dominant starters (Lincecum and Matsuzaka), they’ll finish near the bottom.

Q: Are the Rude Boys really starting Glaus at third?

A: Yes :( they are. This is actually a team that could surprise. He needs Lee, Owings, and Santana to keep things up, Kazmir to look more like his second start than his first, and Sabathia to turns things around. If that can happen, the hitting should be okay. Will it happen? Probably not.

Predicted Finish

1. Own Personal Jesus
2. Crazy 88s
3. The Show Dogs
4. Four Dingers
5. The Bums Always Lose
6. L. A. Lollygaggers
7. L.L. Urban Treehorns
8. Rude Boys
9. Foo Manchus
10. NoTalentAssClowns

Bring on your wrath Marc, Mark, and Rich.

Chevy Chase Power Rankings

2008-05-03T15:08:00.022-04:00

With one month in the books and five left to go, the Bowling League has been shaken up early. There are new faces at the top of the leaderboard, former champions at the bottom, and a few Sonkas in between. The Power Rankings present an objective ranking of each team in the LACBL (and by objective, I mean completely subjective). So without further ado, I present to you the Chevy Chase Power Rankings. As with last season’s Bill Murray Power Rankings, I have limited myself to quotations from Chevy Chase characters, not just characters from Chevy Chase movies.

Fletch Award – Best performance so far

Man of the House Award – Worst performance so far

1. Rich (a.k.a. Four Dingers)

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. - Christmas Vacation

After six seasons in the Bowling League, it appears that Team Rich is finally poised for a strong season. We shouldn’t be so surprised by Rich being this good, given how closely he follows the world of baseball. What is surprising is that Rich has, to date, avoided his two largest recurring problems. First, previous versions of Team Fording have looked like All-Star rosters from the 1980s and early 1990s. Rich has finally decided not to draft every old has-been available, and instead has built a strong team that’s ready to contend. The second pitfall in Fording’s history has been fluke injuries, which have traditionally plagued his best chances of LACBL glory. It’s still early, but the Four Dingers have a sizable lead over second place, and at this point are the bookmakers’ favorite to bring home the Championship. What’s most surprising is that this lead has been built without major contributions from some of the Four Dingers’ keepers (Bedard and Vmart, I’m looking at you!)

Fletch Award: Berkman, Chipper Jones,

Man of the House Award: Vmart, Pedro/Randy Johnson

2. Mac and Kelly (a.k.a. L.L. Urban Treehorns)

Dusty Bottoms: No, we will not die like dogs! We will fight like lions! – Three Amigos

After years apart as the LACBL’s favorite rivalry, Mac has inserted his prowess into the warm surroundings of Kelly’s team. Their combined ten seasons of LACBL experience has thrust this team into a familiar enjoyable position near the climax of the Bowling League. An other-worldly start by their best keepers Chase Utley and Brandon Webb has this team poised for a run at an unprecedented 3^rd LACBL title. The drafting of Josh Hamilton has paid off, as has the addition of phenom Edison Volquez off waivers. Granderson is back from his injury, and has hit the ground running (3HRs already!?!). At this point, it looks like this team will fight like lions for the rest of the season! Time will tell if this blessed union will lead to the birth of a powerhouse, or warrant the drafting of separation papers.

Fletch Award: Utley, Webb

Man of the House Award: Ryan Zimmerman, Brad Hawpe

3. Darren (a.k.a. The Bums Always Lose)

Emmett Fitz-Hume: If you let us go, I'll bring back the sun. …Here's a picture of my sister. If you let us go you can have her. I hear she's quite good. – Spies Like Us

How does a rookie owner inheriting a shitcan group of keepers manage to start the season so well? Multiple sources report that Darren has sold his soul, or at least his sister, to overcome these long odds. An amazing start by zesty pickup Nate McLouth has set the early pace for the Bums. While Pirates players have a long history of pissing on the carpet in the Bowling League (Jason Bay, anyone?), this impressive performance doesn't seem to be stopping any time soon. This reporter is willing to bet that this is the 2008 incarnation of Chris Shelton, but I guess that's an empirical question. Shrewd pickups and savvy roster decisions have Team Darren looking to win the Bowling League in its first season, a feat that has not been accomplished in Los Angeles.

Fletch Award: McLouth, Tejada (who may be as old as McCain, but apparently isn't washed up)

Man of the House Award: Jered Weaver

4. Josh (a.k.a. The Crazy 88)

Lacey Underall: You're crazy!

Ty Webb: That's what they said about Son of Sam. – Caddyshack

The appearance of the Crazy 88 in the top tier of LACBL VII is one of the feel-good stories of the season. After having the Poulette Strategy derailed by discontent from owners lower in the standings in previous seasons of the Bowling League, this team has adopted yet another crazy strategy. Josh appears willing to stream starters for the entire season, racking up wins and quality starts along the way. This has worked out very well so far for Team Josh, though it's probably giving Jair Jurrjens whiplash (three Poulette adds and drops already). To-be-expected starts from Wright, Maggs, and Holliday, along with strong performances from additions Zack Greinke and Conor Jackson, have led the way for the Crazy 88!

Fletch Award: Wright and Greinke

Man of the House Award: Troy Tulowitzki, Jeff Francis

5. Joe (a.k.a. The Show Dogs)

Fletch: Yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars. - Fletch

There’s a big drop-off in the Bowling League between the 4^th and 5^th spots in the rankings. At the top of this next tier is Team Joe (though being at the top of this list is like being the best Dane Cook movie). Right now, the Show Dogs may feel like a hundred dollars, but there is reason to be optimistic about this team’s chances of joining the top tier of the Bowling League. Joe has been able to tread water while dealing with a series of unexpected injuries to major contributors (Rollins, Soriano), expected injuries to major contributors (Rich Harden), and somewhat expected injuries to old catchers (Jorge Posada). Joe has also seen one of his ace starters (Verlander) get off to a very slow start. Once this team gets healthy and in midseason form, Team Joe should feel like at least two hundred dollars, and be ready to make a run at the money for the first time in years…many, many years!

Fletch Award: Pat Burrell (did I just type that?)

Man of the House Award: Verlander (that too?)

6. Cyrus (a.k.a. Own Personal Jesus)

Judge Smails: …and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch. – Caddyshack

Team Cyrus, much like Judge Smails, is a tremendous slouch. How else can we explain a team with Arod, Hanley Ramirez, Carlos Beltran, and Mark Teixeira starting off in such a mediocre fashion? Hanley is clearly not to blame, as he’s off to another brilliant start. The other three…well, they’re the slouches. Arod’s on the DL now, and Teix and Beltran haven’t hit at the level expected of players of their stature. OPJ’s pitching staff also has some solid pitchers, with a rotation anchored with Peavy. Wang and Wainwright have been very good, as have closers Wagner and Rivera. Unfortunately, several crapasses are also present on this staff (Lilly and Kuroda, party of two). This team clearly has the weapons to contend in the Bowling League, but Cyrus needs to find a way to get his players to get going.

Fletch Award: Hanley Ramirez

Man of the House Award: Robinson Cano and Ted Lilly

7. Mark S. (a.k.a Foo Manchus)

Ty Webb: You're not, you're not good, Al. You stink. – Caddyshack

Looking up and down at the statistics so far for the players on its roster, it’s clear that this team is not, not good. To be fair, it’s hard to explain why many of them have not been good so far. The low position of Team Mark is largely the product of underachievement by many capable players. Rich Hill has been a particular disappointment so far, as have keepers Dunn and Pence. A great start from Derrick Lee, Aramis Ramirez, and Matt Kemp on the batting side, and Dice-K and Lincecum on the pitching side, have kept the bleeding to a minimum. It seems very possible that Mark Sonka has brought this hardship upon himself. Mark Sonka made a brilliant run into the money in LACBL VI, a season during which his Power Rankings commentary said “Perhaps ridding himself of the cancerous Mark Prior and Kerry Wood was the key all along?” Fast-forward to 2008, where Wood and Prior are once again on the Foo Manchus roster, leading everyone to wonder what in the blue hell Mark is thinking.

Fletch Award: Lee and Aram

Man of the House Award: Shane Victorino and Rich Hill

8. Adam (a.k.a. Rude Boys)

Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?
Pimp: Fuck yo mama!

Clark: Thank you very much. – Vacation

Team Adam is clearly lost and in need of directions back to civilization. This team is blessed with some great keepers. Prince Fielder is a beast, Ichiro is Ichiro, and Manny is playing so well that many (read: Jeff) are rethinking chastising the Sizemore-Manny trade from a season ago. Furcal has been brilliant, a season after crapping the bed for the Crazy 88. Drafting B.J. Upton at the top of the draft was clearly a wise move, and Adam has been rewarded for making the right pick there (to Hutch’s dismay). Unfortunately for the Rude Boys, Johjima has been a disaster at C, Travis Hafner has been a mess, Billy Butler is looking like a member of the Royals, and the remains of Troy Glaus continue to rot in front of our eyes. On the pitching side, the Indians’ dual-“aces” of Sabathia and Carmona have been uber-hideous so far (though usual clusterf*ck Cliff Lee has been great…explain that one to me). One has to think that they’ll turn things around, giving Adam a chance to avoid the ignominy of the LACBL’s bottom tier once again.

Fletch Award: Furcal

Man of the House Award: Hafner and Sabathia

9. Marc (a.k.a. NoTalentAssClowns)

Fletch: You using the whole fist, Doc? – Fletch

There’s not much to say about the 2008 NoTalentAssClowns. This team lives up to its name like no other iteration of the NTAC has before. Clearly this team is getting fisted (Kihong style), as this loaded squad (Cabrera, Pujols, Reyes, Crawford, Martin, etc.) has been nothing short of disastrous so far. Pujols’s elbow hasn’t fallen off (yet), and he’s pulling his weight early. Crawford and Cabrera have been playing well too. Reyes has been solid, but far from where he should be given his performance in previous seasons. While this sounds ok so far, the pitching is where Dr. Jellyfingers is laying into Hutch. His keeper SPs, Smoltz and Gallardo, are both done as starters in 2008 (Smoltz is heading for the closer role, and Gallardo is DL’ed until 2009). With Escobar hurt, Bonderman basking in mediocrity, Myers has been just bad, and Oswalt may be worse than Darryl Kile at this point. Marc is clearly cashing in his chips and looking towards 2008. This trainwreck would be in the cellar, if it weren’t for the ill-fated bunch of lollygaggers below. See you in 2009, Hutch!

Fletch Award: Crawford and Pujols

Man of the House Award: Oswalt

10. Jeff (a.k.a. L.A. Lollygaggers)

Clark: I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol? – Christmas Vacation

This quotation is directed at the entire roster of the L.A. Lollygaggers. The lollygag their way around the infield, they lollygag their way down to first. Well, actually, they usually don’t make it to first.

Jeff: How many points does this team have, heading into Saturday’s action? Larry?

Larry: 39!

Jeff: How’d we ever get 39?

Larry: It’s a miracle!

Jeff: IT’S A MIRACLE!

Fletch Award: Um, nobody

Man of the House Award: Every last one of these fuckers!

Watch The Big Lebowski (and lots of other stuff) online.

2008-04-25T12:35:00.001-04:00

At Hulu, here. Registration required. Lots of free movies and tv shows, including "The Office."

Picture not related, but funny.

Ve Cut Off Your Johnson!

2008-04-24T09:55:00.002-04:00

No. Just, just no.

Thanks to Jeff for the artwork.

Heh.

2008-04-21T13:42:00.002-04:00

Yankees Bury Bernie Williams Under New Stadium For Good Luck

I hope this guy was really, really drunk.

2008-04-17T15:06:00.001-04:00

I'm told this is a trough urinal at Wrigley. Can the Cubs fans confirm or deny this?

The Big Lebowski. In 5 Seconds.

2008-04-12T15:39:00.000-04:00

One Shining Moment

2008-03-25T22:12:00.002-04:00

March is always a magical month - a time of baseball Spring Training, fantasy baseball drafting, and of course NCAA March Madness ending with “One Shining Moment.” With the early start to the MLB season in Japan this year, March has brought ‘one shining moment’ to the Bowling League as well.

With the beginning of the season, all 10 teams in Los Angeles were tied atop the standings. As the Crazy 88 so rightly pointed out, this meant that we were faced with our first sign that the apocalypse was upon us…the Rude Boys (aka Ghetto Revival, aka the Rule of the Wrist) in 1^st.

However, after the first game of the MLB season, the Rude Boys have already lost their grip on first place. His place atop the standings is much like the appearance of Haley's Comet...not as bright as it should have been, visible only briefly, and won't happen again for 75 years.

This has to be fake. It has to be.

2008-03-25T13:09:00.002-04:00

"Can the Cubs Mend my Broken Heart?"

http://www.withleather.com/post.phtml?pk=5345

Surely this is fake. Right?

Yup.

2008-03-25T11:43:00.001-04:00

The Rude Boys are in 1st place. Granted, we all are, but still.

Teabags Sell Lemons, Make Profit

2008-03-23T20:43:00.003-04:00

Anyone else interested in some less than fresh produce, direct inquiries to the Boston Teabag Party. A supply of Darryl Kyle is still available!

Matsui Hopes to Avoid DL, Unpadded Barstools

2008-03-14T23:05:00.002-04:00

Story here.

More embarrassing "injuries" are difficult to imagine. I mean, players can always chalk up "wrist fatigue" to extended BP. Anal fissures aren't one of those injuries that are just "part of baseball."

Draft time!

2008-03-13T13:24:00.002-04:00

You got a date Thursday at 8:30 PM baby! WHOOOOOHOOO!

2008 LACBL League Rules

2008-03-01T09:29:00.003-05:00

All permanent changes to league rules must be decided by a supermajority of owners (7 out of 10).

This season (2008) each team is allowed to select up to 4 players as 'franchise' players and 2 players as 'keepers' that must have been acquired in the previous (2007) season.

Beginning in 2009 each team is allowed to keep up to 6 players from their previous season’s roster with no restrictions.
Each owner designates these players keeper selection deadline before the beginning of each season.
Each owner must designate a minimum of 2 batters and 2 pitchers - thus, allowing for the following configurations: 3 pitchers/3 batters; 2 pitchers/4 batters; 4 pitchers/2 batters

We will now allow for the trading of draft picks under the following conditions:

Teams may only trade 'next year's' picks

For the 2008 season, you can only trade 2009 picks, not 2010 or later

Teams must trade an equal number of picks - this ensures everyone has the same number of picks in each draft for even rosters after the draft.

After this year, the league draft order will be determined based on the previous season's order of finish with the following exceptions:

The 1st round draft order will be determined each year by a lottery system (similar to the NBA draft lottery)

The 7 teams that do NOT finish “in the money” will participate in the Draft Lottery.
The number of entries is determined by the team finish the previous year: 10^th - 7 entries, 9^th - 6 entries, 8^th - 5 entries, 7^th - 4 entries, 6^th - 3 entries, 5^th – 2 entries, 4^th – 1 entry
The 1^st team name drawn receives the 1^st pick in the draft. The 2^nd team name drawn receives the 2^nd pick in the draft. The 3^rd team name selected receives the 3^rd pick in the draft. After the top 3 picks are selected, the remaining draft order will be based on the previous season’s final standings.

Thus, the top 3 teams will automatically receive the 8, 9, 10 picks in the first round. The team with the worst record is guaranteed no worse that the 4^th pick in the draft.

In all subsequent rounds, the order is based strictly on the snake-format based on the 1^st round order.
This system is being adopted to create some risk for those seeking to tank the season in order to secure the #1 overall pick.

The current entrance fee is $42.50 – which reflects the $30 league fee and $12.50 for the Yahoo Plus league. The payout structure is the following: 1st - $200, 2nd - $70, and 3rd - $30.

Rest in Peace, Gutterballs!

2008-02-29T17:57:00.005-05:00

The media loves to focus on great rivalries in the world of sports. Duke-North Carolina. Ohio State-Michigan. Yankees-Red Sox. Dodgers-Giants. Lakers-Celtics. The LA Times is no different, as great rivalries transcend casual fandom. Instead of rivalries in real sports, however, we care more about the great rivalries of fantasy sports: namely those heated rivalries in the Los Angeles County Bowling League.

For years the LACBL has thrived off the energy of our own great rivalries:

Sonka vs. Sonka rivalry (previously draft battles for crapfests Mark Prior and Kerry Wood, or for 8^th and 9^th place; last season they battled for 1^st place for quite some time)

Adam vs. Adam rivalry (as Rule of the Wrist fought himself, trying to decide which of his Wrists to slice first, by trading his best players and draft picks away for 40 cents on the dollar).

Josh vs. the world (as the sharks circled and devoured his savvy all-closer – now “Poulette” – strategy)

Avery vs. Avery (the Mac vs. Kelly feuds over Stattracker, the trade negotiations during coitus, the trash talking on the league message boards as Kelly picked up Hideo Nomo or as Mac burned through his 7^th liver transplant).

Given our rich tradition of intraleague battles, the merger of Team Mac and Team Kelly marks the end of an era in our league. We will all miss being voyeurs in their fantasy baseball induced marital discord, and all the splendor that came with this rivalry. Team Gutterballs (aka the Jackie Treehorns, aka the Folgers Funeral) is now dead to us, to be reincarnated into the body of some guy named Darren (I always pictured Mac coming back as a butterfly…an alcoholic butterfly, but a butterfly nevertheless). Given this end, this journalist thought it a fitting tribute to Team Mac to eulogize (or eugooglalize, for the Zoolander fans amongst you) him here.

Team Mac, the champion:
I will always remember Mac’s team as a champion, as a shining example to the rest of the LACBL. Mac reached the top of Mount Angeles twice, a feat many league owners have yet to do even once. While some have questioned the validity of his first championship (due to its bizarre weekly rules, its crappy CNNSI platform, and its mediocre field of teams including Tae Hyung’s Teenage Cuties and the Christian Right Field), I strongly disagree. Mac’s championship in LACBL V cemented his place in league history. Let us always remember his team as it was that season. So much promise, so much hope.

Team Mac, the shittalker:
Before the merger with Team Kelly, Team Mac was his own man on the message board. Never one to spellcheck his prose, yet always one to express his emotions in writing, Mac’s mirth and humor were a constant inspirations to us all. We will always remember Mac’s great posts about Kelly’s roster moves (not the fact that so many of them blew up in his face, like his ill-fated post about her addition of Hideo Nomo two days before Nomo threw a gem for Team Kelly). Mac’s self-deprecating wit, even in the face of near certainty of a trip to the Avery family DL (read: couch + auto-eroticism), will certainly keep the fires in our memories burning for years to come. Now that he has merged with the heavens (and with Kelly’s team), we will no longer have this to look forward to on the league board.

Team Mac, the brilliant fantasy owner:
Years ago, Team Mac was viewed as a certain first-ballot Hall-of-Famer in the LACBL. While his bust will almost assuredly make its way to the Hall some day, the shine on that bust is not quite as bright as it once was. I will try to remember Mac as he was years ago, with his golden infield of Posada, Giambi, Kent, Jeter, and Chavez. I will try to forget Mac as he became, bloated by his own success, drunk off his former glory (and whatever else was nearly), in the state where his team was so clearly worse than Kelly’s team that they chose to let her team live on, while his team was left to die. If Mac’s skills had not declined faster than Juan Gonzalez, it could have been his team left to carry the torch as we eulogized Kelly’s team. Alas, the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers live on. So I will choose to view this as a triumph of Kelly, not as a failure of our slain hero Mac. I will miss the Gutterballs, and I wish the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers the best of luck in this rough league. I hope the fruit of Mac and Kelly’s loins blossoms into a champion in their image.

2007 Golden Gibler Award for Roster Futility

2007-09-30T19:09:00.000-04:00

Los Angeles - Boston Teabag Party

After a close race over the final four weeks of the season, the Avery vs. Avery duel for the Gibby has come to a dramatic end. Mac Avery and Team Gutterballs has snatched the Golden Gibler Award for Roster Futility away from the lustful arms of wife Kelly and the LL Urban Achievers. With 31 roster moves and 58 points from first place, Maude finished with 1798 Gibby points. The Dude, on the other hand, surged into first place with 1950 points (52 moves and 37.5 out of first in the final standings). Even using the old metric (position X moves), Mac would still have won (8th X 52 = 416 pts; 10th X 31 moves = 310 points).

The 2007 Gibby will shine as a symbol of despair, as it will be wedged in between Mac's two LACBL championship trophies. That is, of course, after he stops taking it to bed to taunt Mrs. Avery.

Pleasant surprises, and otherwise.....

2007-09-24T13:18:00.000-04:00

Which player has been your biggest overachiever (+)? Who has been the biggest disappointment on your squad (X)? Allow me to answer for you.....

(in no particular order)

1. NTAC: + is BJ Upton - this blue-chip prospect somehow made it through the entire draft and Marc wisely scooped him from the wire. Upton has been the 43rd most valuable player thus far.

X is Chris Carpenter. Hey, at least he got 6 (bad) innings in.

2. Four Dingers: + is Ryan Braun. That was easy.

X is a bit tougher, but I'm naming Michael Young, whose 770ish OPS is a disappointment.

3. One Hitter Quitters: + has to be Carlos Pena. Don't you remember all the experts calling him to bang 40+ long balls this year? Neither do I.

X is probably Roy Halladay. Not a huge dropoff, but K's are on the weak side.

4. Cleft Assholes: + is Brandon Phillips. He's the 10th most valuable player thus far. Damn.

X not any huge underachievers here, but I'm tabbing Zambrano, who has not quite been the Cy Young contender many projected him to be. I might also be naming him because I hate the way throws an "I just K'd the last batter to win the World Series!!" celebration after he manages to strike out Jason Marquis with 2 on and 2 outs.

5. Gutterballs: + Has to be Eric Byrnes - 47 SBs!

X is Jason Bay - this former borderline 1st rounder is hitting a robust .248.

6. Crazy 88: + is Magglio Ordonez - taken with a flier kinda late in the draft, the best hair in baseball is putting up MVP type numbers.

X is easily Rafael Furcal. Jeff, are you still mad at me for taking this piece of shit (.688 OPS)?

7. Boston Teabag Party: + is tough, but I'm picking Valverde, who has been absolutely dominant this year, especially compared to his 2006. An excellent value.

X is probably Joe Mauer. Is he still using the pink bat?

8. LLUA: + is probably Aaron Rowand - one of the most clutch bats in the game, and a top 40 player this year.

X no huge letdowns here, but Johnny Damon has not done much.

9. Gas House Gorillas: + is Fausto Carmona. 18 wins and a 3 era.

X is probably Miguel Tejada. Did not have the bounce-back year many were expecting.

10. Ghetto Revival: + has to be CC Sabathia, who is proudly carrying the Bartolo Colon "guys who are probably 3-3 1/2 bills but can actually pitch" banner.

X is easily Vernon Wells. Sucked, then got hurt.

...And then there were two!

2007-09-12T16:54:00.000-04:00

With only 18 days left in the fantasy baseball season, Josh Poulette and Jeff Fine have dug in their heels for the final battle for LACBL supremacy. Only two points separate these heated rivals from each other atop the leaderboard. As Josh tries desperately to claw and climb his way to the top of Mount Angeles for the first time, a red menace looms overhead (See picture). The final 2+ weeks of the 2007 season will answer the burning questions left in Los Angeles:
(1) Will the Crazy 88 dodge the teabag and shimmy up the face of the LACBL to the top?
(2) Which Sonka will bring home 3rd place, and have Mama Sonka recognize this achivement by putting his picture higher up on the Sonka family fridge?

(3) Will Mac or Rich prevail in the battle for 7th place?

(4) Will Kelly bring home the Golden Gibler? The scoring method may matter, as the GCS (Gibby Championship Series) computer ratings suggest that a Battle of the Averys looms for Roster Futility glory.

Stay tuned!

Yovani

2007-08-09T14:38:00.002-04:00

Wednesday, August 8th

2.2 Innings Pitched

1 Loss

1 Strikeout

11 Earned Runs allowed (37.13 ERA)

12 hits, 3 walks allowed (5.63 WHIP)

Hutch - thanks for the 7th Round Draft Pick, Sucker!

Bill Murray Midseason Power Rankings

2007-07-22T18:15:00.001-04:00

I’m sure many of you were expecting (and hoping) that by now we would have the 2^nd Annual Anchorman Midseason Power Rankings. However, the author of last year’s Midseason Power Rankings, Marc Hutchison, has not delivered the goods this year. My best guess is that there are three reasons for this void: (1) Marc was finishing the dissertation, formatting that SOB, and moving to another state to start his first year on the tenure clock, (2) Marc’s wife is expecting a baby (please don’t give the child a ‘Lord of the Rings Name’) Hutchison, (3) Marc’s team is frighteningly mediocre. Since most people, Marc included, post more stories when they’re kicking a little ass, we might not hear from Marc again until 2008.

So, since Hutch is otherwise occupied, I’m jumping into the fray in his stead. However, instead of picking up the Anchorman torch where Marc put it down, I’m going in a different direction. Without further ado, I give you the Bill Murray Power Rankings.

I limited myself to quotations from Bill Murray characters, not just characters in Bill Murray movies. In addition to the quotation and the blurb about each team, I’ve identified the best batter and pitcher on each team this season.

Best Bat = The Lama (for the ‘biggest hitter’)

“So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-galunga.” - Caddyshack (Carl Spackler)

Best Arm = Sgt. Hulka (for the ‘big toe’ of your pitching staff)

“I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka is always gonna be here to be that big toe for us.” - Stripes (John Winger)

(1) Crazy 88 - Josh
“I’m not going to play by their rules anymore!” - Groundhog Day (Phil Connors)
Josh continues to refuse to play by ‘the rules’ of the establishment in the LACBL. In Year 3 of the Poulette strategy, Josh is poised to compete for the Championship without conforming to the norm. Three times appears to be the charm, as JPP has finally constructed the powerhouse batting order necessary to ride the ‘All-Closer’ horse to the finish line. In addition to having 5 elite bats and several elite closers which are rounding into form, Josh also improved his long-term prospects by trading a 35 year old former first rounder (Manny) for a 25 year old future first rounder (Sizemore).
The Lama – Magglio Ordonez
Sgt. Hulka – Joe Nathan

(2) Gashouse Gorillas - Mark S.
“I guess the kidding around is pretty much over!” - Caddyshack (Carl Spackler)
Much like his beloved Cubbies, Mark Sonka has been a ‘lovable loser’ in the LACBL. As August rolls around, both the Cubs and the Gashouse Gorillas have stopped entertaining pipedreams of a championship. This year’s sign that the apocalypse is upon us is that BOTH the Cubs and the Gorillas have a realistic chance of postseason glory. Despite his own belief that his team was “breaking down”, the Gorillas survived some injury yips and remain at the top of the Bowling League. Having tamed his inner beast (the desire to detonate his chances of success with a ricockulous trade) in previous seasons, Sonka has drafted and maintained a squad that should be in the race until the very end. Perhaps ridding himself of the cancerous Mark Prior and Kerry Wood was the key all along?
The Lama – Alex Rios
Sgt. Hulka - J.J. Putz

(3) Cleft Assholes - Joe
“You think I'm afraid of you, the day I've had? I know what you came for. Come and get it, you pussy.” – Scrooged (Frank Cross)
It’s strange enough to see ONE Sonka near the top of the Power Rankings, but to have two is just fucking surreal. It seems like it’s been years since Joe last finished in the money in the Bowling league…probably because it has been years. Several years. Well, this Sonka is trying to conjure up some of his former glory, aided by the steadiest pitcher in baseball (Santana) and some draft day fortune (Rollins somehow lasting until the 3^rd pick after the keepers). A few turn-back-the-clock performances by Posada and Griffey have been (and will likely continue to be) the key as this team fights for the ultimate prize in all of Los Angeles.
The Lama – Jimmy Rollins
Sgt. Hulka – Johan Santana

(4) Boston Teabag Party - Jeff
“Please don't call me by my real name, it destroys the reality I'm trying to create.” – The Man Who Knew Too Little (Wally Ritchie)
Nearly every season, Jeff deludes himself into thinking his team is good enough to win the LACBL. Regardless of the name this team is called, this ‘reality’ will almost assuredly be destroyed once again and the Tbags will find themselves in mortal danger. What remains to be seen is whether, much like Wally Ritchie, the Tbags will make so many wrong decisions that he ends up lucking his way to success.
The Lama – Gary Sheffield
Sgt. Hulka – Dan Haren

(5) NoTalentAssClowns - Marc
“Ray, pretend for a moment that I don't know anything about metallurgy, engineering, or physics, and just tell me what the hell is going on”. – Ghostbusters (Peter Venkman)
This year’s NTAC squad is one of the more puzzling teams in recent LACBL memory. Armed with four of the top keeper bats in the league, many thought that Marc would dominate in the batting categories. His mediocre to poor position in Runs, HR, and RBI is so astounding that I don’t think Ray or Egon could explain it. The pitching debacle is more easily explained. His two keeper aces (Carpenter and Sheets) have both spent considerable time on the DL, with Carpenter heading for Tommy John surgery. Smoltz and Escobar are solid pitchers, but injuries and an over-reliance on older pitchers (Mussina, anyone?) have been costly. If this team starts looking as good as it looks on paper, Marc may make another run at the money despite the slow start. However, will Hutch sell off pieces and start to focus on 2008, based on his ‘1^st place or bust’ motto?
The Lama – Jose Reyes
Sgt. Hulka – Francisco Cordero

(6) One-Hitter QuiteCyrus
“And the tightness has completely disappeared and been replaced by unbelievable pain.” – Lost in Translation (Bob)
Cyrus was also an early pick as one of the favorites by many team owners heading into the season. With a strong batch of keepers and a solid draft, the Quitters appeared to have the pieces necessary to be the first back-2-back winner in the Bowling League. After an impressive start to the season, the Quitters have fallen back to the middle of the pack. Dominating performances by A-Rod and Hanley Ramirez haven’t been enough to keep OHQs among the LACBL’s top teams. This team certainly has the firepower to thrust itself back into the top of the standings. It will be interesting to see how the recent trade with Ghetto Revival will affect this team, both this season and beyond. After reaching the top of Mount Angeles last season, this team will likely have to cope with the unbelievable pain of wondering what might have been.
The Lama – A-Rod
Sgt. Hulka – Jake Peavy

(7) Gutterbals - Mac
Bank Guard: “What the Hell kind of clown are you?”
Grimm: “The crying on the inside kind, I guess.” – Quick Change (Grimm)
Here’s the 2007 season for the Gutterballs in a nutshell: Eric Byrnes has been their most productive bat. Eric Byrnes. Yes, Eric “Chicken with his head cut off” Byrnes. The underachievement by Delgado, Abreu, and Bay have been crushing, and until recently Atkins could have been lumped in there as well. This team has great SP keepers, some of whom have delivered the goods (see Hamels and Harang) while others have been cockteases (‘King’ Felix). The mixture of underachievement and roller-coaster performances makes Mac the ‘crying on the inside’ kind of clown. It’s getting close to the point where Mac will need to start making adjustments to prepare for 2008. If Mac starts to rebuild, it will be interesting to see how he improves his keeper batting situation.
The Lama – Eric Byrnes
Sgt. Hulka – Cole Hamels

(8) Four Dingers - Rich
“Take a vacation…from my problems!” – What About Bob? (Bob Wiley)
The Four Dingers could certainly use a vacation from their problems this season. With only 16pts combined in the 6 batting categories, it’s clear where Team Fording is lacking this season. This is odd, considering that this team has some of the best players at thin positions: Vmart at catcher and Roberts at 2B. Rich also has some elite young talent Gonzalez and Braun (the #1 player over the last month, and best pickup this season). The league is curious to see how the trade with Marc will play out (headlined by Berkman and Cabrera). The Four Dingers have two top SPs (Beckett and Bedard) and have acquired a litany of low-cost closers.
The Lama – Victor Martinez
Sgt. Hulka – Erik Bedard

(9) Ghetto Revival - Adam
“Are there priests on call?” – The Royal Tenenbaums (Raleigh St. Claire)
This team may be read their last rights before August rolls around. In year 3 in the Bowling League, Team Butz is no closer to the LACBL promised land. Heading into 2007, Adam surely hoped to capture the same lightning in a bottle that Cyrus did a year ago. However, this team has been unable to put it all together. The Ghetto Revival is well positioned to contend in 2008 with an elite set of keepers (Fielder, Hafner, Manny, Ichiro, Wells, along with Penny, Harden, and Sabathia). Team Adam also has the potential to achieve a rare (and ignominious) feat in the Bowling Leeague: he may have both the NL MVP (Fielder) and NL Cy Young (Penny) while finishing in the bottom tier of the league standings. On a more positive note, this team is NOT leading the race for the Golden Gibler this season, so to quote Carl Spackler they’ve “got that going for [them]…which is nice.”
The Lama – Prince Fielder
Sgt. Hulka – Brad Penny

(10) Little Lebowski Urban Achivers - Kelly
“Sometimes a bowler just has to face the music.” – Kingpin (Ernie McCracken)
In the Bowling League, sometimes things just don’t go your way. That clearly seems to be the case for the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers (or Underachieves, as many have begun calling them). Kelly took an interesting approach heading into the season: do my best to reassemble last season’s “looks good on paper” team and hope they perform to the level that they have in the past. Some have (Utley, Jeter, Vlad, Lee), while others have certainly not (Damon, Chavez). Webb and Oswalt have been solid, though a far cry from their brilliant seasons from the past. Passing over Rollins for Damon has proved to be a costly decision, as Rollins has soared while Damon has just been sore. It looks like it’s time for Kelly to face the music and look towards 2008 for better fortunes.
The Lama – Chase Utley
Sgt. Hulka – John Maine

Averys Expect Birth of Ruth Reincarnation

2007-07-15T21:14:00.000-04:00

The first two baseball games that Kelly and Mac Avery went to this year were at Shea Stadium on May 14th and Citizen’s Bank Park on June 17th. The decision to go both times was made on a whim, within an hour of each game starting. Kelly and Mac did not realize that May 14th was Mothers’ Day until Kelly was given a free pink Mets visor upon entering Shea. Nor did they realize that June 17th was Fathers’ day until Mac was given a straw Phillies hat upon entry at The Bank. After making this realization, the Avery’s could not dismiss it as meaningless coincidence. Despite the ill treatment they have received from the Baseball Gods this year in their fantasy league, they have spent the last month praying to the Gods for an explanation for these happenings.

On July 15th the Averys received what they believe is an answer to their prayers. After ordering his fourth double Makers on the rocks, Mac almost dropped his drink all over his lap. “Kelly, come look at this!” he exclaimed. One of the ice cubes in his drink was almost a perfect portrait of The Sultan of Swat himself, George Herman (AKA Babe) Ruth. After throwing back the rest of the bourbon, Mac finally understood the freak attendance at both Mothers’ and Fathers’ Days, as well as the Babe ice cube. “This is a sign from the Baseball Gods! It is time to procreate! We are to facilitate the second coming of Babe Ruth so that neither Bonds nor A-Rod can hold the homerun record”, he shouted. “You, Kelly, are destined to become the, er, um, not-so virgin mother of the reincarnation of the Babe.”

Whether Mac was on his fourth or seventh double Makers, we don’t know. We do know that if the Averys actually have a child who is to become the homerun champ, that child will have to be much, much taller, stronger, and better at baseball than both parents.

Hey Joe....

2007-07-08T23:54:00.000-04:00

...Nice Marmol!

Teabags Have Balls Removed

2007-06-21T15:50:00.001-04:00

Los Angeles - L.A.C.B.L. expressed sympathies today for Jeff Fine, owner of the Boston Teabag Party. Thursday Fine had an operation to remove two swollen balls from his mouth. While Fine has not made a formal statement divulging the need for the operation, Dr. Ed Scissorhands reports that his balls were simply taking up too much space in his mouth. Some have expressed shock at the need for such an operation, but others familiar with Fine’s amazing flexibility are not as surprised. Fellow team owner Kelly Avery, an amateur expert on the subject, conducted her own extensive examination earlier in the week (see photo) and has confirmed that Fine’s balls could no longer comfortably fit in a typical human’s mouth.

According to fiancé, "Cooper", Fine has spent most of his time since the operation eating ice cream and staring longingly at his team logo. How the loss of his balls will affect Fine’s performance in the league is not yet clear. One thing is clear: Fine will be resigned to the receiving end of any future Boston teabag parties.

Déjà vu All Over Again

2007-06-12T12:45:00.000-04:00

Bowling League historians have well documented some of Mark Sonka’s ill-fated moves and bouts of self-destruction over the years, from Kaz Matsui’ing the LACBL to his masochistic affection for Byung Hyun Kim. We’ve reached the beginning of week 11 in the 2007 fantasy baseball season (out of 25), and Mark Sonka finds himself entrenched atop the leaderboard. While this may seem an anomaly in Los Angeles, this story seems all too familiar.

Quick perusal of LA Times archives have confirmed that, in fact, we’ve seen this play before. In the ‘End of May Power Rankings” for the 2005 season (LACBL 4), Mark Sonka (a.k.a. Hannibal’s Cannibals) sat in first place.

“As baffling as it is to find Hannibal's Cannibals in the top spot (and yes, it is beyond disturbing typing this), owner Mark Sonka has his team established as the favorite at this point in the season. One-third of the way through the 2005 season, Sonka has used his new persona, as well as an astounding sense of self-restraint, to prevent himself from destroying his chances at the League Championship. Ranked highly by every team owner, the Cannibals are ranked near the top of all the power batting categories, and solid across the board in pitching.”

Despite looking like the clear favorite to break his LACBL drought that season, Sonka ran into a plague of bad luck and injuries down the stretch, ultimately finishing the 2005 season in 5^th place in the league standings.

Just as they were in 2005, this year’s Gashouse Gorillas team is solid across the board. Sonka’s squad is the only team in the LACBL with 4 or more points in EVERY statistical category. Perhaps more impressive is his total of 18 points combined in Wins and Losses (10 in wins, 8 in losses). To underscore just how difficult this is to accomplish, no other team in the league has more than 13 points combined in these categories.

Only time will tell whether Mark is able to put it all together this season, avoid crippling injuries, and remain in the hunt for the LACBL championship that has been so elusive so far. It’s clear, however, that this owner no longer needs to be protected from himself. Instead, the Bowling League may need to be protected from these dangerous Gorillas.

Golden Gibler Standings - June 10

2007-06-10T19:58:00.000-04:00

Team	Pts	PtsBehind	Moves	GibbyPts
Achievers	37.5	57	20	1140
4Dingers	44.5	50	19	950
NTAC	70	24.5	22	539
Gutterballs	70.5	24	20	480
GhettoRevival	60	34.5	7	241.5
CleftAHoles	82	12.5	18	225
1Hitters	72.5	22	6	132
TBags	91	3.5	14	49
Crazy88	92.5	2	9	18
Gashouse	94.5	0	18	0

Resting on the Chin of Despair

2007-05-30T01:10:00.000-04:00

Manager Joe Torre announced Tuesday that Roger Clemens (pictured, right) will likely return to the mound for the Yankees on Monday, June 4^th against the Chicago White Sox.

As the Anti-Christ’s promotion from Triple-A to New York nears, the Teabags find themselves dunking mouth-deep in self-loathing.

Clemens return to the hated New York Yankees leaves Teabag owner with limited options. While owner Jeff Fine has repeatedly sought to trade the seven-time Cy Young Award winner, his overtures have to date been unsuccessful. Clemens presence on the bench has left Fine feeling filthy. In an attempt to cleanse his fantasy soul, the Teabags are treating themselves as “new fish,” insisting on being deloused daily like Andy Dufrense.

Without a trade, Fine will be forced, much like Andy Dufresne, to swallow something very unpleasant. There are two possible scenarios: (1) Clemens will perform well - as he has in recent seasons - and Fine will be forced to cope with positive Yankee stats aiding his fantasy fortunes. (2) Clemens will be struck by the same plague that has afflicted the rest of his Yankee SP brethren. The thought of this implosion, accompanied by fantasy hardship, is equally disturbing for the TBags.

According to Fine, only a swift trade of Clemens will “set him free.”

Joe, Mark Sonka Atop League Standings

2007-05-06T21:32:00.000-04:00

Bling Bling Ring Sting Exposes Bowling League Scandal

2007-04-25T01:26:00.000-04:00

Fantasy baseball bling is a status symbol in Los Angeles. To date, four Bowling Leaguers have championship rings to show for their hard work over the years: Jeff Fine (Season 2 winner), Marc Hutchison (Season 3 winner), Cyrus Kariman (Season 5 winner), and Mac Avery (the league’s only two-time winner, in Seasons 1 and 4).

While championship rings are typically front page stories when they are presented to the League Champion, LACBL bling has once again made headlines – this time for the wrong reasons. Unconfirmed reports began circulating last week that two “lovable losers” in the Bowling League – Joe and Mark Sonka – tried to acquire championship bling through nefarious means.

In an undercover sting operation, LACBL police officers (pictured, above) posing as black market ring counterfeiters, were solicited by the brothers Sonka to produce both LACBL championship rings and forged championship credentials. The Sonka brothers have been placed on probation in the Bowling League. Any subsequent transgressions will result in their swift removal from the league.

In a related story, the results of “Operation Bling Sting” led investigators to pursue other unconfirmed reports in Los Angeles. Although nearly all of the other rumors proved to be unfounded, officials did uncover a second LACBL ring scandal. Over the weekend, an authentic Bowling League Championship Ring was posted for auction on eBay. After the bidding ended, league authorities apprehended both parties in the transaction. The seller, who posted under the clever eBay username of “Mike Bolton,” was identified as Marc Hutchison. In a move that brings back memories of OJ Simpson selling his Heisman Trophy for dinner money, Hutchison apparently was trying to sell his Season 3 ring for a completed dissertation, some younger starting pitching, and a box of Ho-Ho’s. The buyer, purchasing under the username “Four Dingers”, was identified as long-time LACBL non-winner Rich Fording. Following his arrest, Fording was heard screaming “I really can’t even BUY a victory in this league!” No announcement has been made about whether Hutchison or Fording will face disciplinary actions.

2007-04-17T11:57:00.000-04:00

Fantasy Bling! Bling!™

Failing to impress the women or get respect in the workplace? Forget all about your failures in the real world by advertising your fantasy success. They might be able to hurt your ego but they will never damage this platinum† ring. Your keepers may only last one season, but the Fantasy Bling!Bling!™ will last a lifetime.††

† One in one hundred rings include twenty percent platinum.
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A popular item among pederasts too!!

The Ten (um, make that Five) Commandments of the Bowling League (reprised)

2007-04-12T12:26:00.000-04:00

Los Angelees - by Boston Teabag Party:

The more things change, the more things stay the same. It seems that some Bowling League behavior is cyclical, so a refresher course in the Five Commandments may be in order. The Commandments appeared in the LA Times several years ago, and appear to be a ‘living document’ that still applies to modern LACBL times.Thou shalt not become a deadbeat owner

This is the cornerstone of an enjoyable season. As Mandi, Tae-Hyung, Draft-All-Cardinals Mike, etc. have gone the way of the Dodo, we finally have a group of owners that pay regular attention to their teams. Early in the Bowling League, these deadbeat owners had teams with numerous players either in the minors or on the DL in their starting lineup, purely out of neglect. Responding to trade offers (even with text telling the other owner constructively how to shove his/her offer) relatively quickly is also considered good etiquette in the Bowling League. Given that we seem to have purged the deadbeats over several seasons, this no longer seems to be an issue. However, should we suffer a relapse here, punishment may include adding your name to the above list of extinct LACBL owners. Your jersey will not be retired.

Thou shalt not forget/refuse to pay the league entry fee within in a reasonable period of time
We have been relatively flexible as to what constitutes a reasonable period in past seasons. However, even last season there were several owners who did not pay until the season had ended. The season is 6 months long, people! Let's try to give Commish Hutch the money as soon as possible. Punishment includes preventing you from getting any prize money that you may be eligible for, as well as having your wages garnished.

Thou shalt not make a terrible trade that bastardizes the entire league standings
While the LA Times previously rode the Gashouse Gorillas like a pony about this in the past, amazingly he appears to have been broken of the bad habit. Perhaps public chastising will also “correct” the behavior of young Adam Butz. Trading away elite players to the best team in the league brings the ire of all around you. Punishment includes a scathing news story from the Teabags, and hopefully others.

Thou shalt not free ride on the news stories and entertaining posts
We’ve made dramatic improvements in this regard over the years, evolving from the days of the LA Times, when independent contributions were few and far between (Mac, Joe, Marc, and Josh were notable exceptions here). While our list of regular contributors includes those same owners, along with Kelly, the league would benefit from contributions from everyone. Punishment will be a steadily declining number of stories here for your (and my) amusement.

Thou shalt not overly mix business with pleasure
While the LACBL is not solely a league of political scientists, the league certainly has those roots. Given that we spend a disproportionate amount of time nose-deep in the discipline, many of us seek solace in the non-political jocularities of the Bowling League. While this is not an absolute rule, abundant allusions to movies, television, and popular culture are generally more widely enjoyed by the LACBL. References to the Big Lebowski are especially encouraged, as League tradition is as much rooted in the ways of the Dude as they are to the ways of political science.

Follw these simple decrees, and we will all enjoy the 6th installment of the LACBL.

Sonka Brothers Make Pledge to Cubbies

2007-02-02T12:11:00.000-05:00

In a remarkable turn of selflessness and fan loyalty, the Bowling League's own Sonka brothers have personally guaranteed any 2007 LACBL winnings to the Chicago Cubs in order to help offset the team's Yankee-ish behavior this offseason. Joe Sonka explained: "Mark and I recognize that even the Honorable Ted Stevens (R., AK) thinks the Cubs are wasting bank, so we're prepared to mail Jim Hendry a fat envelope full of hard-earned LACBL winnings at the end of the season. Whoever buys the Cubs in the near future is going to be damned impressed with our loyalty, so we figure we'll be awarded lifetime season tickets, at least."

Since the final out of the '06 Series, the Cubbies have dropped about $300 million in new contracts - almost $100 million more than any other team spent in the same period. If the Sonka boys finish 1-2 in the LACBL, they can cover a full 0.000006% of the tab. Unfairly attractive Cubs GM Jim Hendry voiced his appreciation of this gesture. "Fans like Joe and Mark Sonka are the only thing keeping Death Himself from crushing my labored heart 'twixt his thumb and forefinger. The Chicago Cubs organization truly appreciates this gesture of loyalty. Also, I really need to stop eating mozzarella sticks at every meal."

2006 LACBL Off-Season Newsletter

2007-01-18T13:32:00.000-05:00

Hello LACBL members,

I am a little amazed that I already have to think of baseball, but it is that time of year again. Get ready, Cyrus – that target on your back in awfully large. I am sending out the 1st annual off-season LACBL newsletter. We are getting ready to begin Year #2 under the keeper rules. This should be the year where you will notice the big difference between the keeper format and the year-to-year format. For instance, we now actually have an off-season in which important decisions and transactions can and will be made. As such, I have a number of announcements pertaining to this off-season. Please read carefully.

1) Tomorrow, I will be holding the draft lottery to determine the 2007 LACBL draft order. The lottery will be held in Rich’s office with Adam, Cyrus, and (hopefully) Josh as witnesses. I will be sending out an e-mail with the results tomorrow as well as an entire draft order that will include traded picks. Please make sure to check the draft order to ensure that I haven’t overlooked any trade. To refresh your memory, here are the rules governing the draft lottery:

*************************************************************************

The league draft order will be determined based on the following rules:

The 1st round draft order will be determined each year by a lottery system (similar to the NBA draft lottery)

The 7 teams that did NOT finish “in the money” participate in the Draft Lottery. Thus, the following teams already have had their draft fate determined: 8th – The Crazy 88’s (Josh), 9th – The Zesty Enterprise (Jeff), 10th – One Hitter Quitters (Cyrus)

The number of entries is determined by the team finish the previous year:

Gashouse Gorillas (Mark) - 7 entries

Rule of the Wrist (Adam) - 6 entries

Gutterballs (Mac) - 5 entries

Pepe’s Pollsters (Rich) - 4 entries

Nympho Stepmothers (Kelly) - 3 entries

The Seattle Seven (Joe) – 2 entries

NoTalentAssClowns (Marc) – 1 entry

The 1st team name drawn receives the 1st pick in the draft. The 2nd team name drawn receives the 2nd pick in the draft. The 3rd team name selected receives the 3rd pick in the draft. After the top 3 picks are selected, the remaining draft order will be based on the previous season’s final standings.

In all subsequent rounds, the order is based strictly on the snake-format based on the 1st round order.

*************************************************************************

2) I have not yet signed up our league in Yahoo (it’s not available yet but soon will be), so it’s important that you read and respond quickly. Currently, the plan is to continue to host the league through Yahoo’s free league. However, this makes it imperative that EVERYONE be available to draft. Otherwise, we will have big problems since everyone needs to select their keepers in the first 6 rounds and pick for other people based on traded picks. This is, quite obviously, not ideal. We may want to consider upgrading to a Yahoo Plus league, which will increase the costs of participation rather considerably. However, I am not even sure if I am able to alter the draft order even in a Plus league. If any of you have participated in a Plus league, please share your experience with me.

So I want everyone to look at their schedules and send me their preference for a draft date including any times that will not work for you. Opening day is on April 1st this year so we MUST draft by at least March 31st. I would prefer to draft between Monday, March 26th and Friday, March 30th.

3) Once the draft date is determined, the rest of the league schedule will be determined. The trade period will begin six weeks prior to the draft. Final keeper decisions MUST be submitted no later than one week prior to the draft.

4) To correct an oversight in the original rules, I am instituting a new provision to the league bylaws. Henceforth, any changes to the league rules, which includes any changes to the scoring system or rules governing keepers, must have the support of a supermajority of league owners (7 out of 10). While I am aware of the incongruity of arbitrarily instituting a law governing the passing of laws, I am instituting this change to ensure that the league continues to remain vibrant. A condition of unanimity to change league rules creates a situation in which the entire league is held hostage any one owner. Having experienced other keeper leagues that stagnated and died under this condition, I decided to avoid this problem relatively early in the league’s existence. I think requiring a supermajority avoids the inherent problems of unanimity while avoiding most of the excesses of a simple majority rule.

5) For those of you that wish to remain in the league after my brief exercise of executive power, please send me any rule change requests that you wish to bring before a league vote. We will vote on these proposals two weeks before the draft (and one week before final keeper decisions are made). After this vote, all proposals to change the league rules are tabled until the next off-season, except under special circumstances (i.e. an owner quits mid-season or something else equal in magnitude).

6) One item for consideration is the league entrance fee. Some owners have suggested raising the fee to $30 or $40 to increase the payout at the end of the year. I put this proposal to a league vote.

7) I have attached the final rosters of each team from last season. These players are still owned by their respective team until the final keeper decision date at which they are released into the draft pool. This sheet will be helpful for those of you still contemplating trades or making keeper decisions.

Please let me know if you have any questions or comments. I am really looking forward to this season. Hopefully, we will begin to see the fruits (and, in some cases, perils) of a keeper league.

Best,

Marc

Bowling League Matsuzaka Sweepstakes

2006-11-16T20:04:00.000-05:00

We're gonna have to bowl for him.

Buy in: between $0.40 and $0.50. Each bidder pays for their own High Life.

Gibby Award Runaway

2006-09-10T10:52:00.001-04:00

Associated Press - Los Angeles

The race for the Golden Gibler Award for Roster Futility has been over for quite some time. The display case purchased by Adam Butz will house the Gibby until 2007. The Rule of the Wrist presented by MasterCard accomplished a rare Triple Crown in Roster Futiliy:

1) The 2nd most roster moves, coupled with the lowest number of points

2) Finishing in last place, coupled with having traded AWAY his top two draft picks in 2007 (rather than trying to pick up draft picks, as he "rebuilds")

3) Participating in a fury of trades that leaves his keeper situation more tenuous than it started
- Potential keepers drafted or owned by RotW at one point, but no longer: Ortiz, Teixeira, Fielder, Andruw Jones, Nomar, Swisher, Glaus, Carpenter, Nathan, Burnett, Zumaya,
- Current potential keepers: Beltran, Ichiro, Giambi, H. Ramirez, Rios, Halladay, Willis, KRod, Schilling

PRICELESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Phillies Kill Braves 16-4

2006-09-03T21:53:00.001-04:00

It was a dark and dreary night...

A killer rattail was among us

Processed meat was consumed by all.

Zesty was feeling zesty. Maud was feeling, well, maud i guess.

And we made fun of fat people.

Poll Smoking - August 7th

2006-07-26T13:47:00.000-04:00

(Remember, to click on the graph to make it larger).

Here's how the point allocations have changed recently:

Team	Last Week	Last Month	Last 2 Months
Quitters	-2	-8	-3.5
NTAC	-1	0.5	-0.5
Zesty	0.5	6.5	21
LadyFriends	-2	-5.5	-11.5
Crazy88	-3	0.5	14.5
Seattle7	5.5	8.5	6.5
RotW	1	-2.5	-18
Gutterballs	0	-8	-15
Pepe	1.5	4.5	3.5
Gashouse	-0.5	3.5	3

Recipe for Hilarity

2006-07-23T12:03:00.000-04:00

Los Angeles - Associated Press

Ingredients:
1 cup of 4th place in the standings
2/3 cup of ERA that is third worst in the league
1 cup of WHIP that is tied for worst in the league
1 generous handful of affection for the Milwaukee Brewers
2 heaping cups of complete insanity

Directions:
Start by mixing hideous ERA and WHIP in a large ceramic bowl. Gently fold in the disappointing 4th place position, being careful not to overstir. Finely chop Brewers affection, and add to the mixture while whisking at a brisk pace. Right before pouring mixture into baking tin, close your eyes and add in the complete insanity.

Baking Instructions:
Bake at 450 degrees, for 35-40 minutes (until fork can be inserted and removed cleanly).

Recipe makes 6 servings of Batshit Crazy Kolb Closer Cake. Serve with tall glass of milk and a barf bag.

It's time to second guess yourself.

2006-07-13T13:57:00.000-04:00

So, you've seen my post below re: Gagne and "what might have been." Now it's time for everyone else to share. What's your biggest draft day regret? Post it yourself if you have access, or send it to me or anyone with "author" status on the blog. Budget-looking pictures (again, like the Gagne one below) are pretty much a necessity.

WARNING!

2006-07-10T13:55:00.000-04:00

Eric Gagne is a fat Canadian liar. Do not believe him when he says he's healthy. For instance, if he were to say that he is not morbidly overweight and not likely to die of a heart attack tommorow, well, guess what you can count on.

-Players I could have drafted instead of Gagne:
BJ Ryan
Glaus
Giambi (Jason, not Jeremy)
Griffey Jr
Nomar
Jenks
Chris Ray

Fantastic.

1st Annual "Anchorman" Mid-Season Power Rankings

2006-07-06T21:19:00.000-04:00

Welcome to part one of the 1st Annual Mid-Season Power Rankings hosted by San Diego’s own Channel 4 news team - our friendly neighbors to the south. These power rankings have been inspired by the recent documentary, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, so sit back and enjoy the Hollywood magic. Ron Burgundy would like to personally send his best wishes and shares with us a little known fact about our very own fantasy baseball league. He says, “Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it Los Angeles County Bowling League, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.” Good to know.

Now on to the power rankings compiled by Channel 4’s sports director, Champ Kind. The order of these rankings reflects the subjective opinion of Mr. Kind and should in no way be considered scientific. The pictures and the reporting contained in these rankings were compiled by Channel 4’s investigative reporter, Brian Fantana.

1.) One Hitter Quitters

“You are a smelly pirate hooker . . . Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?”

The One Hitter Quitters show no signs of quitting at this point in the season as they have pulled out to a commanding lead of 20+ points over the last two months. At this point it is safe to say that no one in the league would mind seeing this team of hookers get sent back home to Whore Island. Not that there is any bitterness or anything. The success of the Quitters has been predicated on a balanced roster of both elite-level batting and pitching. Of course, it hasn’t hurt that the Quitters have yet to suffer one serious injury. This is most clearly evidenced by the fact that they have only had to make a total of 4 roster moves for the season. Surely, this sets some sort of Bowling League record for fewest moves in a half season.

Unfortunately for the rest of the league, the Quitters do not look to be dropping in the standings at any point soon. Not only are the Whores, I mean Quitters, dominating the league this year, but they are also positioned nicely for the future with a plethora of stud keeper options like Teixeira, A-Rod, Reyes, Hafner, Sizemore, Peavy, and Lackey. It seems the colossal blunder of bypassing Pujols with the #1 pick in the 2006 draft will not come back to haunt them. On behalf of the rest of the league, I congratulate the Quitters on a dominating performance and wish a plague upon the team for the second half. We hate you.

2) The Zesty Enterprise

“Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone... come and see how good I look.”

The management of the Zesty Enterprise is just brimming with confidence following their shrewd 1st half dealings and free agent work. In fact, general manager, Jeff Fine, has all but assured this reporter that they have the best young core of talent in the league with potential keepers Howard, Liriano, Beckett, Papelbon, Ortiz, Mauer, and Hamels. While this steady lineup has firmly entrenched the Enterprise as a serious threat to finish in the money this season, it remains to be seen if this team is really as good as it claims to be next year.
Despite these misgivings, the Zesty Enterprise have shrewdly positioned themselves for the 2007 draft by securing extra 8th and 12th round picks. Clearly, the Enterprise has proven to be ahead of the curve when it comes to exploiting the new keeper format. Given their solid mix of young studs, particularly Howard and Liriano, and solid veterans, the Zesty Enterprise is clearly looking like a top-tier team for the 2nd half and may be the only team with a legitimate chance to challenge the Whores, I mean, Quitters.

3) The Crazy 88s

“It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.”

You may ask yourself, like Ron did at his lowest moment, why is it so hot? You may further ask yourself, what in the hell does heat or milk have to do with anything relating to baseball? The answer, my friends, is metaphor. The heat represents the Crazy 88’s frustration at being unable to reign supreme in the LACBL (always the bridesmaid, never the bride). The milk represents the Poulette strategy, now partially neutralized by the Zesty Enterprise’s counterstrategy to secure saves and pitching ratios.

However, while the master plan has not panned out yet, this team is still equipped for a late run. Despite a team riddled with underachievers and injuries (Sexson, Figgins, Gagne, Rollins, and Matsui), this team is still in the thick of the race due to the emergence of Morneau, Holliday, and Corey Patterson of all people. The recent acquisition of Nathan solidifies a shaky bullpen situation as well as providing the 88’s with a legitimate keeper candidate. If the underachievers start to perform near their career norms, this team will be dangerous down the stretch. The keeper situation, while not spectacular, is solid. These keepers coupled with the proven Poulette strategy should make them contenders year in and year out.

4) Special Lady Friends

“Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”

What is impressive? How about that pitching staff?! With 59 wins and only 35 losses to date, Special Lady Friends have been blessed by Special Lady Luck methinks. While the disparity between her ERA and WHIP may indicate some rough times ahead, the SLF does have a good stable of young arms to carry them down the stretch (Kazmir, Weaver, and Webb). Currently, Special Lady Friends is holding steady, but will probably need a real 1B and a fully effective Guerrero to make the jump to the next level given that they punted on a category (saves) early in the season. Without these developments, the SLF will remain an impressive but flawed team.
Projecting forward to next season, it appears that SLF will be faced with some very tough decisions regarding keepers. While Crawford, Kazmir, Weaver, Guerrero, and Oswalt seem like no-brainers, I do not envy making a decision regarding Delmon Young and Carlos Lee. It looks like Special Lady Friends may need to make some deals before the end of the season. Here is hoping that none of them involve the Gutterballs.

Finally, although many of you were probably not aware of the dire warnings given to us by Brick Tamland and Brian Fantana last year, we need to acknowledge that tragedy has not befallen the LACBL despite the presence of a female owner. Last year, Brick and Brian voiced their concerns after hearing the news of Kelly’s pending ownership:

[Brick] “I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.”
[Brian] “Well, that's just great. You hear that? Bears. Now you're putting the whole [league] in jeopardy.”

The consequences could have been deadly, see below:

5) NoTalentAssClowns

“I immediately regret this decision.”

Ahh, the once mighty AssClowns. This quote pretty much encapsulates the mood of general manager, Marc Hutchison, after every move dating back to last year. Still stung from last year’s fiasco of a season, NTAC didn’t hestitate to make another boneheaded trade early this season sending Paul Konerko to Pepe’s Pollsters for the now departed Jim Edmonds and Juan Pierre. Although NTAC did start out strong this season, a poor pitching draft has doomed this team to a slow and steady decline. While the bats remain prolific thanks to Pujols, Utley, Berkman, Ichiro, and a resurgent Nomar, the pitchers may have dug a hole too deep to escape from. The implosions of Pettitte, Valverde, Madson, and Escobar coupled with the injury to Ben Sheets have left the NTAC with an embarrassing 25 total points across 7 pitching categories. With such extensive damage, it will take a small miracle for the NTAC to contend this season.

Of course, the NTAC are banking on just that miracle with the acquisitions of Carpenter, Clemens, and Schilling for the stretch run. However, the margin for error is razor thin at this point. If they are unable to make any progress by the end of the month, look for Hutchison to institute a fire sale for draft picks. Keeper-wise, the NTAC is in good shape with Pujols, Utley, Berkman, Ichiro, Sheets, and Carpenter. However, if the past is any indication, most of these players will be on other teams by the end of the season. Unless the NTAC’s management learns to curb their impulses, they will continue to immediately regret their decisions. My prediction: Stick a fork in them.

This concludes part one of the 1st Annual “Anchorman” Mid-Season Power Rankings, please tune in for part two tomorrow. Tomorrow’s post will also include a retrospective from Brian Fantana detailing the event that has caused tension in the Avery household. Stayed tuned.

____________________________________________________

Here is the 2nd installment of the 2006 “Anchorman” Mid-Season Power Rankings:

6) The Seattle Seven

“They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.”

The Seattle Seven represent an enigma. How is it possible for a team led by staff aces, Johan Santana and Carlos Zambrano, to be dead last in ERA and 3rd-to-last in WHIP? The answer lies in the team log. A quick perusal reveals pitching experimentation gone horribly awry. Having been burned by the likes of Taylor Bucholtz, Shawn Chacon, Brett Tomko, Matt Clement, Zach Miner, Chad Billingsley, and the immortal Boof Bonser Experiments, the Seven’s success rate is well below 60%. Indeed, without the likes of Santana and Zambrano, it is disturbing to think how high those ratios might be. Despite these miscalculations, the Seven are holding steady in the middle of the pack due to the better-than-expected performances out of Thome, Dye, O. Cabrera, and Soriano. It would seem the Seven face the same problem as the NTAC in trying to lower hideous ratio numbers in a half-season. Fortunately, this team is equipped to make such a run given the presence of Santana, Zambrano, Verlander, and Randy Johnson. The key may lie in cutting back on the science/pitching experiments and let the horses carry them home. The bottom line is that, unless dramatic improvement is made in those areas and/or the acquisition of another power bat to replace the devastating loss of Sheffield, the Seven will not be able to catch the leaders.

Looking forward, the Seven have some questions in the keeper situation. Aside from Santana, Zambrano, Verlander, and Soriano, the Seven may struggle to find two other consensus keeper prospects. Look for the Seven to shop some of their quality, older talent (i.e. Thome, R. Johnson) to a contender in favor of younger bats.

7) Gutterballs

“I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.”

What can you say about the Gutterballs that hasn’t been said before? The league’s quintessential schizo, this team’s fortunes (along with its name) oscillate from greatness to basement every other year. It is rumored that this maddening inconsistency is beginning to take its toll on the marital relations with fellow owner (and bear attractant), Special Lady Friends. Although the quote above is attributed to Ron Burgundy, it was originally used during an Avery family argument over baseball strategy. It appears that the frustration at falling behind Special Lady Friends in the standings has finally taken its toll on owner/general manager, Mac Avery. However, there is no need for histrionics at this point as the Gutterballs are strangely well positioned for a 2nd half run to finish in the money. Armed with amazing pitching talent, the Gutterballs desperately need to add a couple of solid bats to solidify the lineup.

While the Gutterballs may not contend for the title this year, they are sure to be movers and shakers during the 2nd half and in the off-season given the high number of young, quality arms in the rotation. This impressive talent should yield an impressive bat or two for the Gutterballs. If the past is any indication, I predict that the Gutterballs will be the 2007 LACBL Champions.
______________________________________________________

Turning back to the stories of escalating tension in the Avery household, Brian Fantana reports that an incident earlier this year may have sparked the conflict between the two owners. Thanks to an anonymous source, Channel 4 was able to provide a transcript of the incident:

Mac: Wait, Kelly, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
Kelly: You weren't here. Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?
Mac: I can't believe you did this to me. You [claimed Jered Weaver out from under me]
Kelly: I told you that I wanted to be a [champion]. I told you that.
Mac: I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. "Kelly had a very funny joke today." I laughed at it later that night.
Kelly: I can't believe that I cared for you.
Mac: Get out. Just go. We are through. Through. Because of your actions, you scorpion woman.
Kelly: You have broken my heart, Mr. Avery. You have broken my heart.

Speculation at this point suggests that a jealous Mac may use his access to sabotage Special Lady Friends 2007 season.

8) Pepe’s Pollsters

“Guess what, I do. I know that one day Pedro and I are going to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.”

Seeking to reverse the inevitable jinx following a week of unwarranted and unjustified smack talk to fellow owners, Pepe’s Pollsters have issued a blanket apology to the capricious baseball deities. However, sources at the MLB Deities Office are refusing to comment on the apology leading to speculation that the Pollster’s have yet to regain their favor. If this is indeed the case, the Pollsters’ season is over and they can expect a 2nd half filled with visits from MLB’s Deity of Vengeance bearing gifts of underachievement and injury. One only needs to look at the Gashouse Gorillas 2006 season (see below) to see the damage resulting from such disfavor. The DoV’s justice is swift and merciless.

Perhaps in anticipation of their descent to the bottom, the Pollsters’ have appeared to lock up Pedro for at least another year. Here is hoping that this union will produce a championship next year. Although not sharing quite the same bond with owner/general manager, Rich Fording, as Pedro, the Pollsters’ other keeper prospects are some of the best in the league with M. Cabrera, D. Uggla, M. Young, and V. Martinez anchoring a solid lineup for years to come. Recommendation: Time to look forward to next season.

9) Rule of the Wrist

“I love... Ryan Church. I love... Tony Armas.”

“Adam, are you just looking at things in the free agent pool and saying that you love them?”

“I love Chan Ho Park.”

“Do you really love the Chan Ho Park, or are you just saying it because you saw him?”

“I love Chan Ho Park . . . I love Chan Ho Park.”

Chan Ho Park. What other evidence do I need to declare Rule of the Wrist to be the 2006 LACBL equivalent of Brick Tamland. Years later, they will say he had a baseball IQ of 48 that year and were what some people call “mentally retarded”. This might be the only explanation for his numerous curious moves this season. Either that or it may be a case of ADD given his iron grip on the Gibby award for roster futility. Regardless, this season is surely one of disappointment for owner/general manager, Adam Butz, after a 3rd place finish in his rookie campaign. Unable to avoid a sophomore slump (maybe due to the raging hangover on draft morning??), Rule has their work cut out for them in trying to build toward next season. Most notably, Rule of the Wrist needs to improve their keeper situation with only Halladay, Rios, Fielder, Beltran, and Willis as legitimate prospects. The only advice I can impart for this team is to lay off the sauce the night before the fantasy draft and don’t pick up Chan Ho Park. Ever. Seriously.

10) Gashouse Gorillas

“Come on . . . oh god . . . this is getting to be ri-god-damn-diculous.”

This quote pretty much has to sum up Mark Sonka’s, owner/general manager of the Gashouse Gorillas, response to the 1st half of the season marked by one debilitating injury after another. Lady Luck has been a bitch to the Gorillas visiting them with DL stints to D. Lee, C. Crisp, K. Wood, M. Prior, B. Colon, B. Roberts, and J. Contreras. Ouch. Kind of like having both of your arms ripped off by a bear. Not surprisingly, this team finds itself at the very bottom of the standings. Strangely, the Gorillas seem to be taking a parallel path as Mark Sonka’s favorite team, the Chicago Cubs. Perhaps, Mark hasn't heard of the Curse of the Billy Goat. At this point, the damage is done and it may be time for Gorillas to tell 2006 to go fuck itself and start building toward next year. Certainly, the keeper situation looks favorable with Lee, Tejada, Prior, Bonderman, Dunn, and A. Ramirez. With the acquisition of a couple high draft picks, the Gorillas could potentially dominate the 2007 season.
Some have speculated that the cause of the Gorillas’ demise was not due to Lady Luck at all. Rather they believe that the Gorillas were targeted by the MLB Deity of Vengeance for unknown offenses against baseball. While one can only guess as to what this 'Bro-zeph' has done to offend the baseball gods, the consequences have been clear. This team has been, for all intents and purposes, kicked off a bridge. In fact, the Gorillas’ season has been eerily similar to last year’s unfortunate victim, Marvin’s Sloppy 2nds/Teen Girl Squad. While the reasons for that punishment were well known (too much success, luck, cocksure confidence by Jeff Fine), no clear picture has emerged as to what the poor Gorillas’ did to invoke to such display of vengeance upon them. One thing is sure, don’t fuck with the Jesus, or in the case, the baseball deities.

Going . . .

Going . . .

Gone!

Thats how the baseball gods roll, Bro-zeph!

‘Til next time, you stay classy L.A. County Bowling League.

Gibby Rankings - End of June

2006-06-30T14:14:00.000-04:00

Team	Gibby Points
RotW	315
Pepe	238
Gutterballs	192
Seattle7	135
NTAC	124
Gashouse	70
Crazy88	66
LadyFriends	66
Zesty	36
Quitters	4

I swear, I didn't know Gammons was heading....

2006-06-28T10:18:00.000-04:00

...to the ICU when I wrote the story below. I mean, I'm a Republican, so I'm obviously incredibly evil, but I'm not that evil.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=2502295

I've said it before and I'll say it again....

2006-06-26T12:05:00.000-04:00

...the genius of Peter Gammons is unparalleled. Especially in his own mind.

http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/preview06/news/story?page=06expertpicks

Note his pick for 2006 AL MVP: Bobby Crosby.

Crosby's stat line to date?

61H/248AB, 31 R, 8 HR, 32 RBI, 4 SB, .246 AVG, .686 OPS

---no offense intended to Mac: hell, I'm carrying friggin' Rollins right now

Bizarre Veto Leaves Trade Teetering

2006-06-24T19:49:00.002-04:00

Los Angeles - Associated Press

On occasion, trades in the Los Angeles County Bowling League have received enough protest votes to be vetoed. As a result, it should come as no surprise that the pending trade between The Seattle Seven and the NoTalentAssClowns has received at least one protest vote thus far. What is surprising is that the veto has been cast by Seattle Seven owner Joe Sonka.

A source close to the Sonka tells the Associated Press that the veto was cast "out of principle", and as a simple "reflex reaction." Apparently Sonka, having seen a pending trade involving the NoTalentAssClowns, immediately grabbed his rubber veto stamp and fired away. It was not until moments later that Sonka realized that he had cast a vote against his own trade.

Having one's trade rejected by league members typically opens a wound for the owners involved in the deal. However, when reached for comment, Sonka indicated that his cure lies in the veto itself. "Sure it would sting a little [to have the trade vetoed]", Sonka stated, "but spiting NTAC sure eases the pain."

Wife-beater or Licensed Plumber?

2006-06-24T09:30:00.000-04:00

I know I just did one of these and I don't want to wear out Josh's great idea, but I couldn't help this one.

Is the person below a Wife-beater or Licensed Plumber?

Correct! He's a Wife-beater!

Baseball Player or Licensed Plumber?

2006-06-23T18:14:00.000-04:00

Time for Round III! Is the woman below a (A) professional baseball player or (B) a licensed plumber? Scroll down to see if you guessed right. (Thanks to Jeff for help with the photos.)

Wrong! She is both a ballplayer and a plumber!!

Hot Three-way Bowling League Action!!

2006-06-22T18:23:00.000-04:00

Just when you thought you saw everything in this league...hidden cameras identified the Zesty Enterprise, Seattle Seven, and the girl painted gold from Goldfinger in a hot three-way!

Baseball Player or Licensed Plumber?

2006-06-22T15:34:00.000-04:00

It's Round II! Is the dashing fellow below a (A) professional baseball player or (B) a licensed plumber? Scroll down to see if you guessed correctly......

WRONG (or maybe right)! It's Martin Lara, a licensed Master Plumber in NYC! Way to go with that homemade bookbinding machine Martin!

Rule of the Wrist Sponsor

2006-06-21T16:30:00.000-04:00

Los Angeles - Associated Press

Rule of the Wrist owner Adam Butz has broken new ground in the Los Angeles County Bowling League, having sold his team's naming rights for the remainder of the 2006 season to MasterCard. This innovation will be marked by a new advertising campaign featuring this team, now named "Rule of the Wrist presented by MasterCard".

The following Print Ad Campaign will be launched this weekend:

Entry Fee for LACBL V: $20

Trophy Case for Golden Gibler Award: $495

Picking up Chan Ho Park when you're in 9th place: Priceless

There are some things that money can't buy! For everything else, there's MASTERCARD.

Baseball Player or Licensed Plumber?

2006-06-20T15:21:00.000-04:00

It's time to play everybody's favorite game! Is the individual below a (A) professional baseball player or (B) licensed plumber? Make your guess and then scroll down to see the answer.

Surprise! It's fit-as-ever Sidney Ponson from the St. Louis Cardinals! Who would have guessed....

Poll Smoking - June 19th

2006-06-19T17:01:00.000-04:00

(Remember, to click on the graph to make it larger).

Here's how the point allocations have changed recently:

Team	Last Week	Last Month
Quitters	-0.5	-1.5
NTAC	1.5	-4.5
Zesty	-1.5	1.5
LadyFriends	-4	-1
Seattle7	1.5	4
Crazy88	3.5	8
RotW	-4.5	-7
Gutterballs	0	0.5
Gashouse	-0.5	-15.5
Pepe	4.5	15.5

Team	Average Pts	Std. Dev.	Min	Max
Quitters	104.25	2.153671	97	107.5
NTAC	79.86458	2.724475	75	87
Zesty	75.29167	7.288751	57	83.5
LadyFriends	73.125	2.899927	67.5	79.5
Seattle7	70.20833	2.936986	62.5	75.5
Crazy88	72.02083	3.668379	66.5	81.5
RotW	62.09375	3.500237	52	68
Gutterballs	64.54167	2.211751	60	70
Gashouse	51.63542	7.505841	44	72.5
Pepe	61.97917	5.720399	50	77

Redick, Loaiza Display Traditional Duke Character

2006-06-15T16:06:00.000-04:00

The Duke University Board of Trustees has announced it will award an Honorary Degree of Humane Letters to Oakland Athletics pitcher Esteban Loaiza for "displaying the kind of class and character that has come to be synonymous with Duke athletics."

ESPN Commentator Dick Vitale praised Loaiza: "we know that J.J. Redick is a class kid, an excellent kid, and an all around role model, but who knew that a guy [Loaiza] who never even went to Duke could be such a classy athlete? Give him the honorary degree baby! He's earned it!"

Vitale's praise was echoed by Duke men's basketball coach Mike Krzyzewski: "I am so proud of J.J. and Esteban, not only for exemplifying the kind of class the media has come to associate with Duke, but for paying for the 16 highballs, 7 car bombs, 4 Jack-and-Cokes, and 7 citations accounted for between the two of them with their American Express cards. I only hope that Esteban's association with Duke will not cause him to become a professional bust, another proud Duke tradition. We're all looking forward to J.J. joining Jay Williams in the Greater Durham Area Boys and Girls Club Summer League sometime in the next few years."

This news comes on the heels of a press release from ESPN that has significant ramifications for Duke athletics. ESPN has announced that it will permanently switch the programming of ESPNews to 24 hour coverage of Duke men's basketball. The channel will now be called "DevilTV." ESPN further abandoned any pretenses at unbiased coverage when it announced ESPN Classic would be renamed "PatCast," with 24/365 New England Patriots coverage. ESPN 2 will also be reprogrammed: "ESPNSOX" will feature 24 hour-a-day coverage of the Boston Red Sox. The flagship ESPN channel will also refrain from discussing teams other than Duke, the Boston Red Sox, and the New England Patriots in the future.

Pink Bat Power

2006-06-12T18:19:00.000-04:00

Joe Mauer:
Before Pink Bat/Helmet/Nikes Photo:
30 Games, 14 Runs, 1 HR, 14 RBI, .305 BA, .777 OPS

After Pink Bat/Helmet/Nikes Photo:
26 Games, 20 Runs, 4 HR, 18 RBI, .467 BA, 1.198 OPS

The Zesty Enterprise owner Jeff Fine is willing to create a photo placing any player in pink attire/equipment for a nominal fee (a 4th to 6th round draft pick, depending on the time required to doctor the photo). Send all inquiries to prettyinpink@zesty.com.

Jeff, what would you do if......

2006-06-12T16:57:00.000-04:00

you had Ben Roethisberger in a keeper league?

Just curious.

Gibby Rankings - End of May

2006-06-01T20:31:00.000-04:00

Team	Gibby Points
Pepe's Pollsters	207
Rule of the Wrist	200
Gutterballs	119
Seattle7	100
Crazy88	84
Gashouse Gorillas	50
NTAC	42
SpecialLadyFriends	32
Zesty Enterprise	32
OneHitterQuitters	4

Announcement:

2006-05-11T13:58:00.000-04:00

Due to special considerations, the Cole Hamels sweepstakes will not be decided by the traditional wavier claim order method. The Bowling League will host a swords-and-bowling-balls cage match in which all interested owners may compete. The winner of this free-for-all will have the exclusive rights to the Phillies' 36k/1bb phenom. Be sure to bring either a (1) curved saber or (2) a 12lb (or under) bowling ball in carrying bag. Cage match location and date TBA.

Zesty Enterprise Sues Breast Cancer Foundation

2006-05-10T11:58:00.000-04:00

Los Angeles - Associated Press

This Sunday, on Mother's Day, approximately 50 major league players will be using "baby pink" bats, created by Louisville Slugger for the occassion.

The use of these bats is designed to raise money for the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. While this sounds like a noble endeavor, it will likely cost this foundation more money than it raises. Jeff Fine, owner of the Zesty Enterprise, has filed a class-action lawsuit against the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation for infringement of an existing patent. The Zesty Enterprise applied for a patent on "baby pink" bats, cleats, and batting helmets at the beginning of the baseball season, well-before the recent charitable decision.

Fine's case is a strong one, as there are hundreds of photographs of "Zesty" players sporting the pink equipment since early April. Zesty catcher Joe Mauer, pictured left, is seen hitting a long fly-ball out on April 11th. The Zesty lawsuit is also supported by the team's 10th place position in the HR, RBI, and OPS categories in the Los Angeles County Bowling League.

Anything but grading!

2006-05-09T16:39:00.000-04:00

Conflict emerges as Bonds approaches Ruth’s HR mark.

Editorial Note

2006-05-06T10:30:00.000-04:00

The Bowling League Editors Desk does not approve of the words "Gibler" "Clenched" "Grip" and "Butz (or Butts, or any other phonetic variations of said term)" being used in the same sentence. We apologize for any emotional or physical stress this combination many have caused our readers.

-Ed.

Gibler Clenched Firmly in the Grip of Butz

2006-05-04T21:14:00.000-04:00

Los Angeles - Associated Press

With 17 transactions thus far in the Bowling League and only 51.5 league points (at the moment), the Golden Gibler Award for Roster Futility is in the hands of the Rule of the Wrist.

While Fording and Fine are within range of this shameful position, the Gibby currently belongs to RotW owner Adam Butz.

Helton’s Mystery Illness Opens Old Wounds

2006-04-24T17:51:00.000-04:00

Los Angeles – Associated Press

Todd Helton, Utility specialist for the Zesty Enterprise, has been hospitalized with a “mystery stomach virus.” Doctors have been unable to diagnose Helton’s injury, opening deep wounds in the Los Angeles County Bowling League. Reports out of the Zesty front office have team owner Jeff Fine in an all-too-familiar position, with his hand on the “Darryl Kile button.”

As the vultures circle and the Grim Reaper chases, Fine has been frantically scouting possible trade partners who may accidentally acquire the soon-to-be-deceased Helton. In a public statement today, Pat Robertson declared “Jeff Fine and the Zesty Enterprise will be met with the wrath of a vengeful God if they should try to once again trade a player without a pulse.” The statement made it unclear if Robertson was referring only to players who are actually dead, or also to those who pass the “Kolb test.” Regardless of the details of his impending smiting by the Lord, Fine proceeds as his ticket to Hell was punched long ago.

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

2006-04-09T12:20:00.000-04:00

April 8: 6 innings, 1 hit, 0 walks, 6 Ks, 0 earned runs, 1 Win

April 3: 1.1 innings, 4 hits, 4 walks, 3 Ks, 7 earned runs, 1 loss

Another new journalist

2006-04-05T16:38:00.000-04:00

Welcome on board, Mac.

If anyone else wants blog membership, send me an email with your email address contained.

-88

We have a new journalist....

2006-03-29T11:47:00.000-05:00

Keeper League Rules

2006-03-26T13:05:00.000-05:00

(Posted for Marc)

Each team is allowed to select up to 2 players as 'franchise' players - which can be held for up to three seasons - and up to 4 players as 'keepers' - which can only be retained for one additional season.

Each owner designates these players at the end of each season.

Technically, you do not declare your 'franchise' players until after season 2 when you try to retain 2 players for more than one additional season.
Once you declare your ‘franchise’ player, you may retain the player up to 3 years of total service.

Each owner must designate a minimum of 2 batters and 2 pitchers - thus, allowing for the following configurations: 3 pitchers/3 batters; 2 pitchers/4 batters; 4 pitchers/2 batters
Once a keeper or franchise player is traded to another team, the original owner must wait one season before they can reacquire that player in a trade.

However, if able, the owner may draft that player in the following draft.
This rule is designed to close a potential loophole in which two or more owners collude to trade franchise/keeper players to each other with the intention of trading them back after a short time.

We will now allow for the trading of draft picks under the following conditions:

Teams may only trade 'next year's' picks

For the 2006 season, you can only trade 2007 picks, not 2008 or later

Teams must trade an equal number of picks - this ensures everyone has the same number of picks in each draft for even rosters after the draft.

After this year, the league draft order will be determined based on the previous season's order of finish with the following exceptions:

The 1st round draft order will be determined each year by a lottery system (similar to the NBA draft lottery)

The 7 teams that do NOT finish “in the money” will participate in the Draft Lottery.
The number of entries is determined by the team finish the previous year: 10^th - 7 entries, 9^th - 6 entries, 8^th - 5 entries, 7^th - 4 entries, 6^th - 3 entries, 5^th – 2 entries, 4^th – 1 entry
The 1^st team name drawn receives the 1^st pick in the draft. The 2^nd team name drawn receives the 2^nd pick in the draft. The 3^rd team name selected receives the 3^rd pick in the draft. After the top 3 picks are selected, the remaining draft order will be based on the previous season’s final standings.

Thus, the top 3 teams will automatically receive the 8, 9, 10 picks in the first round. The team with the worst record is guaranteed no worse that the 4^th pick in the draft.

In all subsequent rounds, the order is based strictly on the snake-format based on the 1^st round order.
This system is being adopted to create some risk for those seeking to tank the season in order to secure the #1 overall pick.

The entrance fee is $20. The payout structure is the following: 1st - $130, 2nd - $50, and 3rd - $20.

Groundhog Redick Does Not See Shadow

2006-03-23T22:19:00.000-05:00

Atlanta, GA - Associated Press

The world's most famous poetry-writing forecaster did not see his shadow Thursday evening in Atlanta, leading to an untimely loss by Duke in the Regional Semifinal game. According to tradition and folklore, this means that baseball season is officially upon us.

The prediction drew cheers from the devoted members of the Los Angeles County Bowling League, gathered in the Georgia Dome to witness the annual prediction.

Joe Sonka, a league member and longtime baseball enthusiast, was especially pleased with the beginning of the baseball season. When asked why he is so fond of the sport, Sonka exclaimed, "Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax."

The beginning of baseball season can only mean one thing...draft day rapidly approaches!

Power Rankings: 2006

2006-03-01T19:45:00.000-05:00

Welcome to the official Bowling League power rankings for the 2006 season. We'll use the same format (average finish b/w 04 and 05) as last year in determining where teams stand to kick things off. Enjoy!

10. One-Hitter Quitters - Cyrus - Average finish: 10th - Despite jumping on some flourishing Cleveland youngsters last season, this rookie owner couldn't put it together and finished 10th out of 12. We'll see if his strategy of drafting "all Indians, all the time" works out for him this year.

9. The Seattle Seven - Joe - Average finish: 9th - This owner had a fairly rough aught-5, finishing just ahead of the non-participatory Donnie. Here's hoping that Joe's intense scrutiny of the Port Huron statement leads to a solid drafting strategy and a better finish. Flower power!

7. Special Lady Friends - Kelly - Average finish: 8.5 - Most of Maude's bad luck last year was likely due to her stubborn reluctance to trade Eric Chavez.....until she dealt him to her husband, if I recall.....*cough*collusion*cough*. At any rate, Maude intends to make the rest of the league highly "uncomfortable" this year by finishing in the money (although she could achieve the same outcome by just saying "vagina").

7. Gashouse Gorillas - Mark - Average finish: 8.5 - Mark had an up and down season last year, and was a front runner and a favorite to "win it all" for a good period of time. However, mediocre power numbers kept him from collecting straight cash. His 5th place finish last year is a great improvement on his 12th place finish in '04. We'll see if the Gorillas can climb even farther up the standings this year.

6. Pepe's Pollsters - Rich - Average finish: 6th - The Emir of Alliteration returns! Rumor has it Rich plans on taking Bonds with his first round pick, so hands off! I think we all know what santa is going to leave under his tree next Christmas: http://www.gameofshadows.com/

5. Project Rinkenburger - Mac - Average finish: 5.5 - Last year's champ has been heard saying he's going to "F**k everybody's sh** up in o-six, especially that b**ch from Wisconsin." That's some pretty tough talk. We'll see how Mac fares if Maude finally has enough of his relentless Nomo-related bashing and refuses to conspire on trades in the future.

4.The Zesty Enterprise - Jefe - Average finish: 5th - Jefe had some mighty bad luck with injuries last year (or was it a lack of comprehensive research? hmmmm?), but enters 06 with a fresh view on things. Jeff knows this smiling portrait of the Samster (note: the picture of the Samster was removed at the request of Jefe. So lame.) will bring him good luck, and keep Corey Patterson and his .014 BA far from the Zesty batting order.

2. Rule of the Wrist - Adam - Average finish: 3rd - This first year owner came to play in '05, and finished in the money. While his Cardinals didn't fare well last year, this rock star hopes both teams (the Rule and the Cards) will be sitting on championships in 06. Also, he doesn't wear underwear. For real.

2. The Crazy 88s - Josh - Average finish: 3rd - Thinking out of the box rewarded this second year owner with 2nd place in 05. We'll see if he can draft better offensive players out of the gate this year. If Ichiro had only had an Ichiro-esque year in 05....sigh....

1. NoTalentAssClowns - Marc - Average finish: 2.5 - Target. On. Ass. Of. Leather. Pants.

That is all.

Call me Jane Doe

2006-02-28T01:20:00.000-05:00

"I'm an investigative reporter for a Los Angeles newspaper... I write a column under the by-line of Jane Doe. What the hey, it's better than Irwin. I don't shower much."

Now we're two.

2006-02-27T23:59:00.000-05:00

The Bowling League blog now has 2 contributors: the one and only Jefe (a veteran journalist) has signed on....

"kind of a charcoal?"

Have you seen me?

2006-02-27T09:21:00.000-05:00

From Jeff.....

Because I Can.

2006-02-24T22:44:00.000-05:00

Soon to come:

2006-02-24T22:37:00.000-05:00

Power rankings for the 2006 season...

Welcome....

2006-02-24T22:32:00.000-05:00

to the official blog for the L.A. County Bowling League (V) fantasy baseball league. I, manager of The Crazy 88s, will run this blog in lieu of our site on Jeff's homepage. Please send me any content you have and I'll post it. I'm also open to making this a group blog: let me know if any of you want to be contributors.

-Josh