1st Annual "Anchorman" Mid-Season Power Rankings

Welcome to part one of the 1st Annual Mid-Season Power Rankings hosted by San Diego’s own Channel 4 news team - our friendly neighbors to the south. These power rankings have been inspired by the recent documentary, Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, so sit back and enjoy the Hollywood magic. Ron Burgundy would like to personally send his best wishes and shares with us a little known fact about our very own fantasy baseball league. He says, “Discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it Los Angeles County Bowling League, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.” Good to know.

Now on to the power rankings compiled by Channel 4’s sports director, Champ Kind. The order of these rankings reflects the subjective opinion of Mr. Kind and should in no way be considered scientific. The pictures and the reporting contained in these rankings were compiled by Channel 4’s investigative reporter, Brian Fantana.

1.) One Hitter Quitters

“You are a smelly pirate hooker . . . Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island?”

The One Hitter Quitters show no signs of quitting at this point in the season as they have pulled out to a commanding lead of 20+ points over the last two months. At this point it is safe to say that no one in the league would mind seeing this team of hookers get sent back home to Whore Island. Not that there is any bitterness or anything. The success of the Quitters has been predicated on a balanced roster of both elite-level batting and pitching. Of course, it hasn’t hurt that the Quitters have yet to suffer one serious injury. This is most clearly evidenced by the fact that they have only had to make a total of 4 roster moves for the season. Surely, this sets some sort of Bowling League record for fewest moves in a half season.

Unfortunately for the rest of the league, the Quitters do not look to be dropping in the standings at any point soon. Not only are the Whores, I mean Quitters, dominating the league this year, but they are also positioned nicely for the future with a plethora of stud keeper options like Teixeira, A-Rod, Reyes, Hafner, Sizemore, Peavy, and Lackey. It seems the colossal blunder of bypassing Pujols with the #1 pick in the 2006 draft will not come back to haunt them. On behalf of the rest of the league, I congratulate the Quitters on a dominating performance and wish a plague upon the team for the second half. We hate you.


2) The Zesty Enterprise

“Mmmmm... I look good. I mean really good. Hey everyone... come and see how good I look.”

The management of the Zesty Enterprise is just brimming with confidence following their shrewd 1st half dealings and free agent work. In fact, general manager, Jeff Fine, has all but assured this reporter that they have the best young core of talent in the league with potential keepers Howard, Liriano, Beckett, Papelbon, Ortiz, Mauer, and Hamels. While this steady lineup has firmly entrenched the Enterprise as a serious threat to finish in the money this season, it remains to be seen if this team is really as good as it claims to be next year.
Despite these misgivings, the Zesty Enterprise have shrewdly positioned themselves for the 2007 draft by securing extra 8th and 12th round picks. Clearly, the Enterprise has proven to be ahead of the curve when it comes to exploiting the new keeper format. Given their solid mix of young studs, particularly Howard and Liriano, and solid veterans, the Zesty Enterprise is clearly looking like a top-tier team for the 2nd half and may be the only team with a legitimate chance to challenge the Whores, I mean, Quitters.


3) The Crazy 88s

“It's so damn hot... milk was a bad choice.”

You may ask yourself, like Ron did at his lowest moment, why is it so hot? You may further ask yourself, what in the hell does heat or milk have to do with anything relating to baseball? The answer, my friends, is metaphor. The heat represents the Crazy 88’s frustration at being unable to reign supreme in the LACBL (always the bridesmaid, never the bride). The milk represents the Poulette strategy, now partially neutralized by the Zesty Enterprise’s counterstrategy to secure saves and pitching ratios.

However, while the master plan has not panned out yet, this team is still equipped for a late run. Despite a team riddled with underachievers and injuries (Sexson, Figgins, Gagne, Rollins, and Matsui), this team is still in the thick of the race due to the emergence of Morneau, Holliday, and Corey Patterson of all people. The recent acquisition of Nathan solidifies a shaky bullpen situation as well as providing the 88’s with a legitimate keeper candidate. If the underachievers start to perform near their career norms, this team will be dangerous down the stretch. The keeper situation, while not spectacular, is solid. These keepers coupled with the proven Poulette strategy should make them contenders year in and year out.


4) Special Lady Friends

“Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”

What is impressive? How about that pitching staff?! With 59 wins and only 35 losses to date, Special Lady Friends have been blessed by Special Lady Luck methinks. While the disparity between her ERA and WHIP may indicate some rough times ahead, the SLF does have a good stable of young arms to carry them down the stretch (Kazmir, Weaver, and Webb). Currently, Special Lady Friends is holding steady, but will probably need a real 1B and a fully effective Guerrero to make the jump to the next level given that they punted on a category (saves) early in the season. Without these developments, the SLF will remain an impressive but flawed team.
Projecting forward to next season, it appears that SLF will be faced with some very tough decisions regarding keepers. While Crawford, Kazmir, Weaver, Guerrero, and Oswalt seem like no-brainers, I do not envy making a decision regarding Delmon Young and Carlos Lee. It looks like Special Lady Friends may need to make some deals before the end of the season. Here is hoping that none of them involve the Gutterballs.

Finally, although many of you were probably not aware of the dire warnings given to us by Brick Tamland and Brian Fantana last year, we need to acknowledge that tragedy has not befallen the LACBL despite the presence of a female owner. Last year, Brick and Brian voiced their concerns after hearing the news of Kelly’s pending ownership:

[Brick] “I read somewhere their periods attract bears. Bears can smell the menstruation.”
[Brian] “Well, that's just great. You hear that? Bears. Now you're putting the whole [league] in jeopardy.”

The consequences could have been deadly, see below:



5) NoTalentAssClowns

“I immediately regret this decision.”

Ahh, the once mighty AssClowns. This quote pretty much encapsulates the mood of general manager, Marc Hutchison, after every move dating back to last year. Still stung from last year’s fiasco of a season, NTAC didn’t hestitate to make another boneheaded trade early this season sending Paul Konerko to Pepe’s Pollsters for the now departed Jim Edmonds and Juan Pierre. Although NTAC did start out strong this season, a poor pitching draft has doomed this team to a slow and steady decline. While the bats remain prolific thanks to Pujols, Utley, Berkman, Ichiro, and a resurgent Nomar, the pitchers may have dug a hole too deep to escape from. The implosions of Pettitte, Valverde, Madson, and Escobar coupled with the injury to Ben Sheets have left the NTAC with an embarrassing 25 total points across 7 pitching categories. With such extensive damage, it will take a small miracle for the NTAC to contend this season.

Of course, the NTAC are banking on just that miracle with the acquisitions of Carpenter, Clemens, and Schilling for the stretch run. However, the margin for error is razor thin at this point. If they are unable to make any progress by the end of the month, look for Hutchison to institute a fire sale for draft picks. Keeper-wise, the NTAC is in good shape with Pujols, Utley, Berkman, Ichiro, Sheets, and Carpenter. However, if the past is any indication, most of these players will be on other teams by the end of the season. Unless the NTAC’s management learns to curb their impulses, they will continue to immediately regret their decisions. My prediction: Stick a fork in them.



This concludes part one of the 1st Annual “Anchorman” Mid-Season Power Rankings, please tune in for part two tomorrow. Tomorrow’s post will also include a retrospective from Brian Fantana detailing the event that has caused tension in the Avery household. Stayed tuned.

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Here is the 2nd installment of the 2006 “Anchorman” Mid-Season Power Rankings:



6) The Seattle Seven

“They've done studies, you know. 60% of the time, it works every time.”

The Seattle Seven represent an enigma. How is it possible for a team led by staff aces, Johan Santana and Carlos Zambrano, to be dead last in ERA and 3rd-to-last in WHIP? The answer lies in the team log. A quick perusal reveals pitching experimentation gone horribly awry. Having been burned by the likes of Taylor Bucholtz, Shawn Chacon, Brett Tomko, Matt Clement, Zach Miner, Chad Billingsley, and the immortal Boof Bonser Experiments, the Seven’s success rate is well below 60%. Indeed, without the likes of Santana and Zambrano, it is disturbing to think how high those ratios might be. Despite these miscalculations, the Seven are holding steady in the middle of the pack due to the better-than-expected performances out of Thome, Dye, O. Cabrera, and Soriano. It would seem the Seven face the same problem as the NTAC in trying to lower hideous ratio numbers in a half-season. Fortunately, this team is equipped to make such a run given the presence of Santana, Zambrano, Verlander, and Randy Johnson. The key may lie in cutting back on the science/pitching experiments and let the horses carry them home. The bottom line is that, unless dramatic improvement is made in those areas and/or the acquisition of another power bat to replace the devastating loss of Sheffield, the Seven will not be able to catch the leaders.

Looking forward, the Seven have some questions in the keeper situation. Aside from Santana, Zambrano, Verlander, and Soriano, the Seven may struggle to find two other consensus keeper prospects. Look for the Seven to shop some of their quality, older talent (i.e. Thome, R. Johnson) to a contender in favor of younger bats.



7) Gutterballs

“I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science.”

What can you say about the Gutterballs that hasn’t been said before? The league’s quintessential schizo, this team’s fortunes (along with its name) oscillate from greatness to basement every other year. It is rumored that this maddening inconsistency is beginning to take its toll on the marital relations with fellow owner (and bear attractant), Special Lady Friends. Although the quote above is attributed to Ron Burgundy, it was originally used during an Avery family argument over baseball strategy. It appears that the frustration at falling behind Special Lady Friends in the standings has finally taken its toll on owner/general manager, Mac Avery. However, there is no need for histrionics at this point as the Gutterballs are strangely well positioned for a 2nd half run to finish in the money. Armed with amazing pitching talent, the Gutterballs desperately need to add a couple of solid bats to solidify the lineup.



While the Gutterballs may not contend for the title this year, they are sure to be movers and shakers during the 2nd half and in the off-season given the high number of young, quality arms in the rotation. This impressive talent should yield an impressive bat or two for the Gutterballs. If the past is any indication, I predict that the Gutterballs will be the 2007 LACBL Champions.
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Turning back to the stories of escalating tension in the Avery household, Brian Fantana reports that an incident earlier this year may have sparked the conflict between the two owners. Thanks to an anonymous source, Channel 4 was able to provide a transcript of the incident:

Mac: Wait, Kelly, please tell me this is some kind of sick tasteless joke.
Kelly: You weren't here. Why are you being this way? Why can't you just be proud of me as a peer and my gentleman lover?
Mac: I can't believe you did this to me. You [claimed Jered Weaver out from under me]
Kelly: I told you that I wanted to be a [champion]. I told you that.
Mac: I thought you were kidding. I thought it was a joke, I even wrote it down in my diary. "Kelly had a very funny joke today." I laughed at it later that night.
Kelly: I can't believe that I cared for you.
Mac: Get out. Just go. We are through. Through. Because of your actions, you scorpion woman.
Kelly: You have broken my heart, Mr. Avery. You have broken my heart.

Speculation at this point suggests that a jealous Mac may use his access to sabotage Special Lady Friends 2007 season.

8) Pepe’s Pollsters

“Guess what, I do. I know that one day Pedro and I are going to get married on top of a mountain, and there's going to be flutes playing and trombones and flowers and garlands of fresh herbs. And we will dance till the sun rises. And then our children will form a family band. And we will tour the countryside and you won't be invited.”

Seeking to reverse the inevitable jinx following a week of unwarranted and unjustified smack talk to fellow owners, Pepe’s Pollsters have issued a blanket apology to the capricious baseball deities. However, sources at the MLB Deities Office are refusing to comment on the apology leading to speculation that the Pollster’s have yet to regain their favor. If this is indeed the case, the Pollsters’ season is over and they can expect a 2nd half filled with visits from MLB’s Deity of Vengeance bearing gifts of underachievement and injury. One only needs to look at the Gashouse Gorillas 2006 season (see below) to see the damage resulting from such disfavor. The DoV’s justice is swift and merciless.

Perhaps in anticipation of their descent to the bottom, the Pollsters’ have appeared to lock up Pedro for at least another year. Here is hoping that this union will produce a championship next year. Although not sharing quite the same bond with owner/general manager, Rich Fording, as Pedro, the Pollsters’ other keeper prospects are some of the best in the league with M. Cabrera, D. Uggla, M. Young, and V. Martinez anchoring a solid lineup for years to come. Recommendation: Time to look forward to next season.

9) Rule of the Wrist

“I love... Ryan Church. I love... Tony Armas.”

“Adam, are you just looking at things in the free agent pool and saying that you love them?”

“I love Chan Ho Park.”

“Do you really love the Chan Ho Park, or are you just saying it because you saw him?”

“I love Chan Ho Park . . . I love Chan Ho Park.”

Chan Ho Park. What other evidence do I need to declare Rule of the Wrist to be the 2006 LACBL equivalent of Brick Tamland. Years later, they will say he had a baseball IQ of 48 that year and were what some people call “mentally retarded”. This might be the only explanation for his numerous curious moves this season. Either that or it may be a case of ADD given his iron grip on the Gibby award for roster futility. Regardless, this season is surely one of disappointment for owner/general manager, Adam Butz, after a 3rd place finish in his rookie campaign. Unable to avoid a sophomore slump (maybe due to the raging hangover on draft morning??), Rule has their work cut out for them in trying to build toward next season. Most notably, Rule of the Wrist needs to improve their keeper situation with only Halladay, Rios, Fielder, Beltran, and Willis as legitimate prospects. The only advice I can impart for this team is to lay off the sauce the night before the fantasy draft and don’t pick up Chan Ho Park. Ever. Seriously.


10) Gashouse Gorillas

“Come on . . . oh god . . . this is getting to be ri-god-damn-diculous.”

This quote pretty much has to sum up Mark Sonka’s, owner/general manager of the Gashouse Gorillas, response to the 1st half of the season marked by one debilitating injury after another. Lady Luck has been a bitch to the Gorillas visiting them with DL stints to D. Lee, C. Crisp, K. Wood, M. Prior, B. Colon, B. Roberts, and J. Contreras. Ouch. Kind of like having both of your arms ripped off by a bear. Not surprisingly, this team finds itself at the very bottom of the standings. Strangely, the Gorillas seem to be taking a parallel path as Mark Sonka’s favorite team, the Chicago Cubs. Perhaps, Mark hasn't heard of the Curse of the Billy Goat. At this point, the damage is done and it may be time for Gorillas to tell 2006 to go fuck itself and start building toward next year. Certainly, the keeper situation looks favorable with Lee, Tejada, Prior, Bonderman, Dunn, and A. Ramirez. With the acquisition of a couple high draft picks, the Gorillas could potentially dominate the 2007 season.
Some have speculated that the cause of the Gorillas’ demise was not due to Lady Luck at all. Rather they believe that the Gorillas were targeted by the MLB Deity of Vengeance for unknown offenses against baseball. While one can only guess as to what this 'Bro-zeph' has done to offend the baseball gods, the consequences have been clear. This team has been, for all intents and purposes, kicked off a bridge. In fact, the Gorillas’ season has been eerily similar to last year’s unfortunate victim, Marvin’s Sloppy 2nds/Teen Girl Squad. While the reasons for that punishment were well known (too much success, luck, cocksure confidence by Jeff Fine), no clear picture has emerged as to what the poor Gorillas’ did to invoke to such display of vengeance upon them. One thing is sure, don’t fuck with the Jesus, or in the case, the baseball deities.


Going . . .

Going . . .

Gone!

Thats how the baseball gods roll, Bro-zeph!

‘Til next time, you stay classy L.A. County Bowling League.