Chevy Chase Power Rankings

With one month in the books and five left to go, the Bowling League has been shaken up early. There are new faces at the top of the leaderboard, former champions at the bottom, and a few Sonkas in between. The Power Rankings present an objective ranking of each team in the LACBL (and by objective, I mean completely subjective). So without further ado, I present to you the Chevy Chase Power Rankings. As with last season’s Bill Murray Power Rankings, I have limited myself to quotations from Chevy Chase characters, not just characters from Chevy Chase movies.

Fletch Award – Best performance so far

Man of the House Award – Worst performance so far

1. Rich (a.k.a. Four Dingers)

Eddie: You surprised to see us, Clark?

Clark: Oh, Eddie... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. - Christmas Vacation

After six seasons in the Bowling League, it appears that Team Rich is finally poised for a strong season. We shouldn’t be so surprised by Rich being this good, given how closely he follows the world of baseball. What is surprising is that Rich has, to date, avoided his two largest recurring problems. First, previous versions of Team Fording have looked like All-Star rosters from the 1980s and early 1990s. Rich has finally decided not to draft every old has-been available, and instead has built a strong team that’s ready to contend. The second pitfall in Fording’s history has been fluke injuries, which have traditionally plagued his best chances of LACBL glory. It’s still early, but the Four Dingers have a sizable lead over second place, and at this point are the bookmakers’ favorite to bring home the Championship. What’s most surprising is that this lead has been built without major contributions from some of the Four Dingers’ keepers (Bedard and Vmart, I’m looking at you!)

Fletch Award: Berkman, Chipper Jones,

Man of the House Award: Vmart, Pedro/Randy Johnson

2. Mac and Kelly (a.k.a. L.L. Urban Treehorns)

Dusty Bottoms: No, we will not die like dogs! We will fight like lions! – Three Amigos

After years apart as the LACBL’s favorite rivalry, Mac has inserted his prowess into the warm surroundings of Kelly’s team. Their combined ten seasons of LACBL experience has thrust this team into a familiar enjoyable position near the climax of the Bowling League. An other-worldly start by their best keepers Chase Utley and Brandon Webb has this team poised for a run at an unprecedented 3^rd LACBL title. The drafting of Josh Hamilton has paid off, as has the addition of phenom Edison Volquez off waivers. Granderson is back from his injury, and has hit the ground running (3HRs already!?!). At this point, it looks like this team will fight like lions for the rest of the season! Time will tell if this blessed union will lead to the birth of a powerhouse, or warrant the drafting of separation papers.

Fletch Award: Utley, Webb

Man of the House Award: Ryan Zimmerman, Brad Hawpe

3. Darren (a.k.a. The Bums Always Lose)

Emmett Fitz-Hume: If you let us go, I'll bring back the sun. …Here's a picture of my sister. If you let us go you can have her. I hear she's quite good. – Spies Like Us

How does a rookie owner inheriting a shitcan group of keepers manage to start the season so well? Multiple sources report that Darren has sold his soul, or at least his sister, to overcome these long odds. An amazing start by zesty pickup Nate McLouth has set the early pace for the Bums. While Pirates players have a long history of pissing on the carpet in the Bowling League (Jason Bay, anyone?), this impressive performance doesn't seem to be stopping any time soon. This reporter is willing to bet that this is the 2008 incarnation of Chris Shelton, but I guess that's an empirical question. Shrewd pickups and savvy roster decisions have Team Darren looking to win the Bowling League in its first season, a feat that has not been accomplished in Los Angeles.

Fletch Award: McLouth, Tejada (who may be as old as McCain, but apparently isn't washed up)

Man of the House Award: Jered Weaver

4. Josh (a.k.a. The Crazy 88)

Lacey Underall: You're crazy!

Ty Webb: That's what they said about Son of Sam. – Caddyshack

The appearance of the Crazy 88 in the top tier of LACBL VII is one of the feel-good stories of the season. After having the Poulette Strategy derailed by discontent from owners lower in the standings in previous seasons of the Bowling League, this team has adopted yet another crazy strategy. Josh appears willing to stream starters for the entire season, racking up wins and quality starts along the way. This has worked out very well so far for Team Josh, though it's probably giving Jair Jurrjens whiplash (three Poulette adds and drops already). To-be-expected starts from Wright, Maggs, and Holliday, along with strong performances from additions Zack Greinke and Conor Jackson, have led the way for the Crazy 88!

Fletch Award: Wright and Greinke

Man of the House Award: Troy Tulowitzki, Jeff Francis

5. Joe (a.k.a. The Show Dogs)

Fletch: Yeah. I feel like a hundred dollars. - Fletch

There’s a big drop-off in the Bowling League between the 4^th and 5^th spots in the rankings. At the top of this next tier is Team Joe (though being at the top of this list is like being the best Dane Cook movie). Right now, the Show Dogs may feel like a hundred dollars, but there is reason to be optimistic about this team’s chances of joining the top tier of the Bowling League. Joe has been able to tread water while dealing with a series of unexpected injuries to major contributors (Rollins, Soriano), expected injuries to major contributors (Rich Harden), and somewhat expected injuries to old catchers (Jorge Posada). Joe has also seen one of his ace starters (Verlander) get off to a very slow start. Once this team gets healthy and in midseason form, Team Joe should feel like at least two hundred dollars, and be ready to make a run at the money for the first time in years…many, many years!

Fletch Award: Pat Burrell (did I just type that?)

Man of the House Award: Verlander (that too?)

6. Cyrus (a.k.a. Own Personal Jesus)

Judge Smails: …and I'm no slouch myself.
Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch. – Caddyshack

Team Cyrus, much like Judge Smails, is a tremendous slouch. How else can we explain a team with Arod, Hanley Ramirez, Carlos Beltran, and Mark Teixeira starting off in such a mediocre fashion? Hanley is clearly not to blame, as he’s off to another brilliant start. The other three…well, they’re the slouches. Arod’s on the DL now, and Teix and Beltran haven’t hit at the level expected of players of their stature. OPJ’s pitching staff also has some solid pitchers, with a rotation anchored with Peavy. Wang and Wainwright have been very good, as have closers Wagner and Rivera. Unfortunately, several crapasses are also present on this staff (Lilly and Kuroda, party of two). This team clearly has the weapons to contend in the Bowling League, but Cyrus needs to find a way to get his players to get going.

Fletch Award: Hanley Ramirez

Man of the House Award: Robinson Cano and Ted Lilly

7. Mark S. (a.k.a Foo Manchus)

Ty Webb: You're not, you're not good, Al. You stink. – Caddyshack

Looking up and down at the statistics so far for the players on its roster, it’s clear that this team is not, not good. To be fair, it’s hard to explain why many of them have not been good so far. The low position of Team Mark is largely the product of underachievement by many capable players. Rich Hill has been a particular disappointment so far, as have keepers Dunn and Pence. A great start from Derrick Lee, Aramis Ramirez, and Matt Kemp on the batting side, and Dice-K and Lincecum on the pitching side, have kept the bleeding to a minimum. It seems very possible that Mark Sonka has brought this hardship upon himself. Mark Sonka made a brilliant run into the money in LACBL VI, a season during which his Power Rankings commentary said “Perhaps ridding himself of the cancerous Mark Prior and Kerry Wood was the key all along?” Fast-forward to 2008, where Wood and Prior are once again on the Foo Manchus roster, leading everyone to wonder what in the blue hell Mark is thinking.

Fletch Award: Lee and Aram

Man of the House Award: Shane Victorino and Rich Hill

8. Adam (a.k.a. Rude Boys)

Clark: Excuse me, could you please tell me how to get back on the express way?
Pimp: Fuck yo mama!

Clark: Thank you very much. – Vacation

Team Adam is clearly lost and in need of directions back to civilization. This team is blessed with some great keepers. Prince Fielder is a beast, Ichiro is Ichiro, and Manny is playing so well that many (read: Jeff) are rethinking chastising the Sizemore-Manny trade from a season ago. Furcal has been brilliant, a season after crapping the bed for the Crazy 88. Drafting B.J. Upton at the top of the draft was clearly a wise move, and Adam has been rewarded for making the right pick there (to Hutch’s dismay). Unfortunately for the Rude Boys, Johjima has been a disaster at C, Travis Hafner has been a mess, Billy Butler is looking like a member of the Royals, and the remains of Troy Glaus continue to rot in front of our eyes. On the pitching side, the Indians’ dual-“aces” of Sabathia and Carmona have been uber-hideous so far (though usual clusterf*ck Cliff Lee has been great…explain that one to me). One has to think that they’ll turn things around, giving Adam a chance to avoid the ignominy of the LACBL’s bottom tier once again.

Fletch Award: Furcal

Man of the House Award: Hafner and Sabathia

9. Marc (a.k.a. NoTalentAssClowns)

Fletch: You using the whole fist, Doc? – Fletch

There’s not much to say about the 2008 NoTalentAssClowns. This team lives up to its name like no other iteration of the NTAC has before. Clearly this team is getting fisted (Kihong style), as this loaded squad (Cabrera, Pujols, Reyes, Crawford, Martin, etc.) has been nothing short of disastrous so far. Pujols’s elbow hasn’t fallen off (yet), and he’s pulling his weight early. Crawford and Cabrera have been playing well too. Reyes has been solid, but far from where he should be given his performance in previous seasons. While this sounds ok so far, the pitching is where Dr. Jellyfingers is laying into Hutch. His keeper SPs, Smoltz and Gallardo, are both done as starters in 2008 (Smoltz is heading for the closer role, and Gallardo is DL’ed until 2009). With Escobar hurt, Bonderman basking in mediocrity, Myers has been just bad, and Oswalt may be worse than Darryl Kile at this point. Marc is clearly cashing in his chips and looking towards 2008. This trainwreck would be in the cellar, if it weren’t for the ill-fated bunch of lollygaggers below. See you in 2009, Hutch!

Fletch Award: Crawford and Pujols

Man of the House Award: Oswalt

10. Jeff (a.k.a. L.A. Lollygaggers)

Clark: I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a cheap, lying, no-good, rotten, four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is. Hallelujah. Holy shit. Where's the Tylenol? – Christmas Vacation

This quotation is directed at the entire roster of the L.A. Lollygaggers. The lollygag their way around the infield, they lollygag their way down to first. Well, actually, they usually don’t make it to first.

Jeff: How many points does this team have, heading into Saturday’s action? Larry?

Larry: 39!

Jeff: How’d we ever get 39?

Larry: It’s a miracle!

Jeff: IT’S A MIRACLE!

Fletch Award: Um, nobody

Man of the House Award: Every last one of these fuckers!