Helton’s Mystery Illness Opens Old Wounds

Los Angeles – Associated Press

Todd Helton, Utility specialist for the Zesty Enterprise, has been hospitalized with a “mystery stomach virus.” Doctors have been unable to diagnose Helton’s injury, opening deep wounds in the Los Angeles County Bowling League. Reports out of the Zesty front office have team owner Jeff Fine in an all-too-familiar position, with his hand on the “Darryl Kile button.”

As the vultures circle and the Grim Reaper chases, Fine has been frantically scouting possible trade partners who may accidentally acquire the soon-to-be-deceased Helton. In a public statement today, Pat Robertson declared “Jeff Fine and the Zesty Enterprise will be met with the wrath of a vengeful God if they should try to once again trade a player without a pulse.” The statement made it unclear if Robertson was referring only to players who are actually dead, or also to those who pass the “Kolb test.” Regardless of the details of his impending smiting by the Lord, Fine proceeds as his ticket to Hell was punched long ago.