New Ownership Pledges Overhaul of Lollygaggers

Being a deadbeat owner is a clear violation of one of the 5 Commandments in the Bowling League, punishable by mockery and possible expulsion from the LACBL. Typically, this neglect is apparent, with DL’ed players in the lineup, missing starts, and a failure to rotate players to deal with days off or injuries. The hideous performance of the L.A. Lollygaggers this season might have masked the recent disregard of this clusterf*ck by owner Jeff Fine. This abandonment, however, was the product of a major distraction rather than a lack of interest in steering the ‘Gaggers from the gutter.

Last weekend, Lollygagger owner Jeff Fine was (finally) wedded to special lady friend Amanda Cooper, the former object of desire of Sammy “Marvin” Sosa. In addition to preventing Fine from managing his roster effectively over the past two weeks, this union has also led to a modified ownership group for the defending champions, as Cooper has seized a 50 percent share of the Lollygaggers. Despite his efforts to protect his fantasy team from such a takeover, the prenuptial agreement was apparently not iron clad. A consummate cheapskate, Fine eschewed the Massey Prenup for a lesser substitute. The holes in the agreement have allowed Cooper to gain split control of all Jeff’s assets, changing the direction in which the Lollygaggers will head in the future.

New owner Cooper pledges to overhaul the roster of the Lollygaggers. She has vowed to return this miserable team to its former glory next season, rather than waiting for Jeff’s long-term rebuilding plan to mature. The cornerstone of her plan is to put every player on the trading block, especially previously untouchable players like Ryan Howard. Cooper vows not only to build a winner, but to do so without owning any players from Braves’ rival teams in the NL East. Time will tell whether the Lollygaggers will be able to successfully dodge both Yankees and NL Easters while still returning to the top of the LACBL.