Sonka Brothers Make Pledge to Cubbies

In a remarkable turn of selflessness and fan loyalty, the Bowling League's own Sonka brothers have personally guaranteed any 2007 LACBL winnings to the Chicago Cubs in order to help offset the team's Yankee-ish behavior this offseason. Joe Sonka explained: "Mark and I recognize that even the Honorable Ted Stevens (R., AK) thinks the Cubs are wasting bank, so we're prepared to mail Jim Hendry a fat envelope full of hard-earned LACBL winnings at the end of the season. Whoever buys the Cubs in the near future is going to be damned impressed with our loyalty, so we figure we'll be awarded lifetime season tickets, at least."

Since the final out of the '06 Series, the Cubbies have dropped about $300 million in new contracts - almost $100 million more than any other team spent in the same period. If the Sonka boys finish 1-2 in the LACBL, they can cover a full 0.000006% of the tab. Unfairly attractive Cubs GM Jim Hendry voiced his appreciation of this gesture. "Fans like Joe and Mark Sonka are the only thing keeping Death Himself from crushing my labored heart 'twixt his thumb and forefinger. The Chicago Cubs organization truly appreciates this gesture of loyalty. Also, I really need to stop eating mozzarella sticks at every meal."