Resting on the Chin of Despair

Manager Joe Torre announced Tuesday that Roger Clemens (pictured, right) will likely return to the mound for the Yankees on Monday, June 4^th against the Chicago White Sox.

As the Anti-Christ’s promotion from Triple-A to New York nears, the Teabags find themselves dunking mouth-deep in self-loathing.

Clemens return to the hated New York Yankees leaves Teabag owner with limited options. While owner Jeff Fine has repeatedly sought to trade the seven-time Cy Young Award winner, his overtures have to date been unsuccessful. Clemens presence on the bench has left Fine feeling filthy. In an attempt to cleanse his fantasy soul, the Teabags are treating themselves as “new fish,” insisting on being deloused daily like Andy Dufrense.

Without a trade, Fine will be forced, much like Andy Dufresne, to swallow something very unpleasant. There are two possible scenarios: (1) Clemens will perform well - as he has in recent seasons - and Fine will be forced to cope with positive Yankee stats aiding his fantasy fortunes. (2) Clemens will be struck by the same plague that has afflicted the rest of his Yankee SP brethren. The thought of this implosion, accompanied by fantasy hardship, is equally disturbing for the TBags.

According to Fine, only a swift trade of Clemens will “set him free.”