Rest in Peace, Gutterballs!
The media loves to focus on great rivalries in the world of sports. Duke-North Carolina. Ohio State-Michigan. Yankees-Red Sox. Dodgers-Giants. Lakers-Celtics. The LA Times is no different, as great rivalries transcend casual fandom. Instead of rivalries in real sports, however, we care more about the great rivalries of fantasy sports: namely those heated rivalries in the Los Angeles County Bowling League.
For years the LACBL has thrived off the energy of our own great rivalries:
- Sonka vs. Sonka rivalry (previously draft battles for crapfests Mark Prior and Kerry Wood, or for 8th and 9th place; last season they battled for 1st place for quite some time)
- Adam vs. Adam rivalry (as Rule of the Wrist fought himself, trying to decide which of his Wrists to slice first, by trading his best players and draft picks away for 40 cents on the dollar).
- Josh vs. the world (as the sharks circled and devoured his savvy all-closer – now “Poulette” – strategy)
- Avery vs. Avery (the Mac vs. Kelly feuds over Stattracker, the trade negotiations during coitus, the trash talking on the league message boards as Kelly picked up Hideo Nomo or as Mac burned through his 7th liver transplant).
Given our rich tradition of intraleague battles, the merger of Team Mac and Team Kelly marks the end of an era in our league. We will all miss being voyeurs in their fantasy baseball induced marital discord, and all the splendor that came with this rivalry. Team Gutterballs (aka the Jackie Treehorns, aka the Folgers Funeral) is now dead to us, to be reincarnated into the body of some guy named Darren (I always pictured Mac coming back as a butterfly…an alcoholic butterfly, but a butterfly nevertheless). Given this end, this journalist thought it a fitting tribute to Team Mac to eulogize (or eugooglalize, for the Zoolander fans amongst you) him here.
Team Mac, the champion:
I will always remember Mac’s team as a champion, as a shining example to the rest of the LACBL. Mac reached the top of Mount Angeles twice, a feat many league owners have yet to do even once. While some have questioned the validity of his first championship (due to its bizarre weekly rules, its crappy CNNSI platform, and its mediocre field of teams including Tae Hyung’s Teenage Cuties and the Christian Right Field), I strongly disagree. Mac’s championship in LACBL V cemented his place in league history. Let us always remember his team as it was that season. So much promise, so much hope.
Team Mac, the shittalker:
Before the merger with Team Kelly, Team Mac was his own man on the message board. Never one to spellcheck his prose, yet always one to express his emotions in writing, Mac’s mirth and humor were a constant inspirations to us all. We will always remember Mac’s great posts about Kelly’s roster moves (not the fact that so many of them blew up in his face, like his ill-fated post about her addition of Hideo Nomo two days before Nomo threw a gem for Team Kelly). Mac’s self-deprecating wit, even in the face of near certainty of a trip to the Avery family DL (read: couch + auto-eroticism), will certainly keep the fires in our memories burning for years to come. Now that he has merged with the heavens (and with Kelly’s team), we will no longer have this to look forward to on the league board.
Team Mac, the brilliant fantasy owner:
Years ago, Team Mac was viewed as a certain first-ballot Hall-of-Famer in the LACBL. While his bust will almost assuredly make its way to the Hall some day, the shine on that bust is not quite as bright as it once was. I will try to remember Mac as he was years ago, with his golden infield of Posada, Giambi, Kent, Jeter, and Chavez. I will try to forget Mac as he became, bloated by his own success, drunk off his former glory (and whatever else was nearly), in the state where his team was so clearly worse than Kelly’s team that they chose to let her team live on, while his team was left to die. If Mac’s skills had not declined faster than Juan Gonzalez, it could have been his team left to carry the torch as we eulogized Kelly’s team. Alas, the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers live on. So I will choose to view this as a triumph of Kelly, not as a failure of our slain hero Mac. I will miss the Gutterballs, and I wish the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers the best of luck in this rough league. I hope the fruit of Mac and Kelly’s loins blossoms into a champion in their image.
posted by Jeff Fine | 5:57 PM
5 Comments:
What a great eulogy. Its almost as if Mac has left us. Personally, I think he fell apart when got off the 'roids.
Thank you for the tribute, Jeff. This post, however, tells us much more about you than it does about me. What does it tell us? We would need a team of top psychiatrist working around the clock for years before we could completely understand the scope and source of this sad picture. The symptoms, on the other hand, are crystal clear. Allow me to translate.
“Mac reached the top of Mount Angeles twice, a feat many league owners have yet to do even once.”
Read as: “In case you forgot, I have won two championships too.” Very thinly disguised, Jeff. You’re obviously insecure and jealous of me.
“While some have questioned the validity of his first championship (due to its bizarre weekly rules, its crappy CNNSI platform, and its mediocre field of teams including Tae Hyung’s Teenage Cuties and the Christian Right Field), I strongly disagree.”
Read as: “My two chapinoships clearly represent a greater feat.” Again, obviously jealous. Come on Jeff, can’t you think of any more reasons why winning the first year was less valid? If the field was so easy, why didn’t you win? And don’t I get any special credit for winning a year the Jorge was in the league?
“Never one to spellcheck his prose…”
Read as: “Not only are my championships more legit, but I’m also a better speller than Mac.” I bet your dad can beat up my dad too. Let’s give you another trophy for that.
“Mac’s self-deprecating wit, even in the face of near certainty of a trip to the Avery family DL (read: couch + auto-eroticism), will certainly keep the fires in our memories burning for years to come.”
Here we learn a little more about the source of Jeff’s insecurity and jealously – it’s not just his fear of my team. Read as: “The thought of Mac’s self-stimulation lights my fire. I can’t get it out of my head, but a-las, I will never have him.” I will never be able to share a room with you at APSA again!
“Now that he has merged with the heavens (and with Kelly’s team) we will no longer have this to look forward to on the league board.”
Read as: “I wish he were dead, but merging with Kelly’s team is almost as good.” We’ll see, Jeff.
“Years ago, Team Mac was viewed as a certain first-ballot Hall-of-Famer in the LACBL. While his bust will almost assuredly make its way to the Hall some day, the shine on that bust is not quite as bright as it once was.”
Read as: “He wouldn’t make it on my ballot because he’s not as good as me. Um, and he probably cheated! Yeah! Just like McGuire.” Okay Jose Canseco.
“I will try to remember Mac as he was years ago, with his golden infield of Posada, Giambi, Kent, Jeter, and Chavez.”
Pretending that team wasn’t as good as it actually was isn’t going to help you now, Jeff. Kent and Jeter? In fact, it included Posada, Giambi in the year after his MVP, Tejada the year of his MVP, Soriano in his breakout year, and Chavez in one of his two or three great years.
“I will try to forget Mac as he became, bloated by his own success, drunk off his former glory (and whatever else was nearly), in the state where his team was so clearly worse than Kelly’s team that they chose to let her team live on, while his team was left to die. If Mac’s skills had not declined faster than Juan Gonzalez, it could have been his team left to carry the torch as we eulogized Kelly’s team.”
This, of course, needs little translation. Jeff is finally removing the veil. The only addition to what we have already learned is that he not only thinks am I a cheater, a bad speller, and a compulsive masturbator, but he also thinks I’m a drunk (which means he’s gone from two out of three to three of four right).
“So I will choose to view this as a triumph of Kelly, not as a failure of our slain hero Mac.”
Read as: “Even though he’s still in the leage and will likely do most of the manadging of that team, I so scared of that team that I have to believe that he’s gone.” Keep living in that dream world, Jeff.
Touche, dude! I see you've played knifey-spoony before.
Mac, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say of those four things listed, I'm fairly certain you're not a cheater.
Therefore, my first act as Owner and CEO of this team is to burn the couch in your old office and have all the upholstery and carpets changed. Before I'm though, my staff will have to go through this place with a black light before I take a step inside.
Darren
Good guess, Darren. Usually people have to know me for at least 10 minutes before they figure out that I'm a drunk and can't keep my hands out of my pockets. Only have to read my posts to know I can't spell.
:)
Post a Comment
<< Home