Bill Murray Midseason Power Rankings

I’m sure many of you were expecting (and hoping) that by now we would have the 2^nd Annual Anchorman Midseason Power Rankings. However, the author of last year’s Midseason Power Rankings, Marc Hutchison, has not delivered the goods this year. My best guess is that there are three reasons for this void: (1) Marc was finishing the dissertation, formatting that SOB, and moving to another state to start his first year on the tenure clock, (2) Marc’s wife is expecting a baby (please don’t give the child a ‘Lord of the Rings Name’) Hutchison, (3) Marc’s team is frighteningly mediocre. Since most people, Marc included, post more stories when they’re kicking a little ass, we might not hear from Marc again until 2008.

So, since Hutch is otherwise occupied, I’m jumping into the fray in his stead. However, instead of picking up the Anchorman torch where Marc put it down, I’m going in a different direction. Without further ado, I give you the Bill Murray Power Rankings.

I limited myself to quotations from Bill Murray characters, not just characters in Bill Murray movies. In addition to the quotation and the blurb about each team, I’ve identified the best batter and pitcher on each team this season.

• Best Bat = The Lama (for the ‘biggest hitter’)
• “So, I tell them I’m a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald… striking. So, I’m on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one – big hitter, the Lama – long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-galunga.” - Caddyshack (Carl Spackler)
• Best Arm = Sgt. Hulka (for the ‘big toe’ of your pitching staff)
• “I'm gonna go out on a limb here. I'm gonna volunteer my leadership to this platoon. An army without leaders is like a foot without a big toe. And Sergeant Hulka is always gonna be here to be that big toe for us.” - Stripes (John Winger)

(1) Crazy 88 - Josh
“I’m not going to play by their rules anymore!” - Groundhog Day (Phil Connors)
Josh continues to refuse to play by ‘the rules’ of the establishment in the LACBL. In Year 3 of the Poulette strategy, Josh is poised to compete for the Championship without conforming to the norm. Three times appears to be the charm, as JPP has finally constructed the powerhouse batting order necessary to ride the ‘All-Closer’ horse to the finish line. In addition to having 5 elite bats and several elite closers which are rounding into form, Josh also improved his long-term prospects by trading a 35 year old former first rounder (Manny) for a 25 year old future first rounder (Sizemore).
The Lama – Magglio Ordonez
Sgt. Hulka – Joe Nathan


(2) Gashouse Gorillas - Mark S.
“I guess the kidding around is pretty much over!” - Caddyshack (Carl Spackler)
Much like his beloved Cubbies, Mark Sonka has been a ‘lovable loser’ in the LACBL. As August rolls around, both the Cubs and the Gashouse Gorillas have stopped entertaining pipedreams of a championship. This year’s sign that the apocalypse is upon us is that BOTH the Cubs and the Gorillas have a realistic chance of postseason glory. Despite his own belief that his team was “breaking down”, the Gorillas survived some injury yips and remain at the top of the Bowling League. Having tamed his inner beast (the desire to detonate his chances of success with a ricockulous trade) in previous seasons, Sonka has drafted and maintained a squad that should be in the race until the very end. Perhaps ridding himself of the cancerous Mark Prior and Kerry Wood was the key all along?
The Lama – Alex Rios
Sgt. Hulka - J.J. Putz


(3) Cleft Assholes - Joe
“You think I'm afraid of you, the day I've had? I know what you came for. Come and get it, you pussy.” – Scrooged (Frank Cross)
It’s strange enough to see ONE Sonka near the top of the Power Rankings, but to have two is just fucking surreal. It seems like it’s been years since Joe last finished in the money in the Bowling league…probably because it has been years. Several years. Well, this Sonka is trying to conjure up some of his former glory, aided by the steadiest pitcher in baseball (Santana) and some draft day fortune (Rollins somehow lasting until the 3^rd pick after the keepers). A few turn-back-the-clock performances by Posada and Griffey have been (and will likely continue to be) the key as this team fights for the ultimate prize in all of Los Angeles.
The Lama – Jimmy Rollins
Sgt. Hulka – Johan Santana


(4) Boston Teabag Party - Jeff
“Please don't call me by my real name, it destroys the reality I'm trying to create.” – The Man Who Knew Too Little (Wally Ritchie)
Nearly every season, Jeff deludes himself into thinking his team is good enough to win the LACBL. Regardless of the name this team is called, this ‘reality’ will almost assuredly be destroyed once again and the Tbags will find themselves in mortal danger. What remains to be seen is whether, much like Wally Ritchie, the Tbags will make so many wrong decisions that he ends up lucking his way to success.
The Lama – Gary Sheffield
Sgt. Hulka – Dan Haren


(5) NoTalentAssClowns - Marc
“Ray, pretend for a moment that I don't know anything about metallurgy, engineering, or physics, and just tell me what the hell is going on”. – Ghostbusters (Peter Venkman)
This year’s NTAC squad is one of the more puzzling teams in recent LACBL memory. Armed with four of the top keeper bats in the league, many thought that Marc would dominate in the batting categories. His mediocre to poor position in Runs, HR, and RBI is so astounding that I don’t think Ray or Egon could explain it. The pitching debacle is more easily explained. His two keeper aces (Carpenter and Sheets) have both spent considerable time on the DL, with Carpenter heading for Tommy John surgery. Smoltz and Escobar are solid pitchers, but injuries and an over-reliance on older pitchers (Mussina, anyone?) have been costly. If this team starts looking as good as it looks on paper, Marc may make another run at the money despite the slow start. However, will Hutch sell off pieces and start to focus on 2008, based on his ‘1^st place or bust’ motto?
The Lama – Jose Reyes
Sgt. Hulka – Francisco Cordero


(6) One-Hitter QuiteCyrus
“And the tightness has completely disappeared and been replaced by unbelievable pain.” – Lost in Translation (Bob)
Cyrus was also an early pick as one of the favorites by many team owners heading into the season. With a strong batch of keepers and a solid draft, the Quitters appeared to have the pieces necessary to be the first back-2-back winner in the Bowling League. After an impressive start to the season, the Quitters have fallen back to the middle of the pack. Dominating performances by A-Rod and Hanley Ramirez haven’t been enough to keep OHQs among the LACBL’s top teams. This team certainly has the firepower to thrust itself back into the top of the standings. It will be interesting to see how the recent trade with Ghetto Revival will affect this team, both this season and beyond. After reaching the top of Mount Angeles last season, this team will likely have to cope with the unbelievable pain of wondering what might have been.
The Lama – A-Rod
Sgt. Hulka – Jake Peavy


(7) Gutterbals - Mac
Bank Guard: “What the Hell kind of clown are you?”
Grimm: “The crying on the inside kind, I guess.” – Quick Change (Grimm)
Here’s the 2007 season for the Gutterballs in a nutshell: Eric Byrnes has been their most productive bat. Eric Byrnes. Yes, Eric “Chicken with his head cut off” Byrnes. The underachievement by Delgado, Abreu, and Bay have been crushing, and until recently Atkins could have been lumped in there as well. This team has great SP keepers, some of whom have delivered the goods (see Hamels and Harang) while others have been cockteases (‘King’ Felix). The mixture of underachievement and roller-coaster performances makes Mac the ‘crying on the inside’ kind of clown. It’s getting close to the point where Mac will need to start making adjustments to prepare for 2008. If Mac starts to rebuild, it will be interesting to see how he improves his keeper batting situation.
The Lama – Eric Byrnes
Sgt. Hulka – Cole Hamels


(8) Four Dingers - Rich
“Take a vacation…from my problems!” – What About Bob? (Bob Wiley)
The Four Dingers could certainly use a vacation from their problems this season. With only 16pts combined in the 6 batting categories, it’s clear where Team Fording is lacking this season. This is odd, considering that this team has some of the best players at thin positions: Vmart at catcher and Roberts at 2B. Rich also has some elite young talent Gonzalez and Braun (the #1 player over the last month, and best pickup this season). The league is curious to see how the trade with Marc will play out (headlined by Berkman and Cabrera). The Four Dingers have two top SPs (Beckett and Bedard) and have acquired a litany of low-cost closers.
The Lama – Victor Martinez
Sgt. Hulka – Erik Bedard


(9) Ghetto Revival - Adam
“Are there priests on call?” – The Royal Tenenbaums (Raleigh St. Claire)
This team may be read their last rights before August rolls around. In year 3 in the Bowling League, Team Butz is no closer to the LACBL promised land. Heading into 2007, Adam surely hoped to capture the same lightning in a bottle that Cyrus did a year ago. However, this team has been unable to put it all together. The Ghetto Revival is well positioned to contend in 2008 with an elite set of keepers (Fielder, Hafner, Manny, Ichiro, Wells, along with Penny, Harden, and Sabathia). Team Adam also has the potential to achieve a rare (and ignominious) feat in the Bowling Leeague: he may have both the NL MVP (Fielder) and NL Cy Young (Penny) while finishing in the bottom tier of the league standings. On a more positive note, this team is NOT leading the race for the Golden Gibler this season, so to quote Carl Spackler they’ve “got that going for [them]…which is nice.”
The Lama – Prince Fielder
Sgt. Hulka – Brad Penny


(10) Little Lebowski Urban Achivers - Kelly
“Sometimes a bowler just has to face the music.” – Kingpin (Ernie McCracken)
In the Bowling League, sometimes things just don’t go your way. That clearly seems to be the case for the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers (or Underachieves, as many have begun calling them). Kelly took an interesting approach heading into the season: do my best to reassemble last season’s “looks good on paper” team and hope they perform to the level that they have in the past. Some have (Utley, Jeter, Vlad, Lee), while others have certainly not (Damon, Chavez). Webb and Oswalt have been solid, though a far cry from their brilliant seasons from the past. Passing over Rollins for Damon has proved to be a costly decision, as Rollins has soared while Damon has just been sore. It looks like it’s time for Kelly to face the music and look towards 2008 for better fortunes.
The Lama – Chase Utley
Sgt. Hulka – John Maine

Averys Expect Birth of Ruth Reincarnation

The first two baseball games that Kelly and Mac Avery went to this year were at Shea Stadium on May 14th and Citizen’s Bank Park on June 17th. The decision to go both times was made on a whim, within an hour of each game starting. Kelly and Mac did not realize that May 14th was Mothers’ Day until Kelly was given a free pink Mets visor upon entering Shea. Nor did they realize that June 17th was Fathers’ day until Mac was given a straw Phillies hat upon entry at The Bank. After making this realization, the Avery’s could not dismiss it as meaningless coincidence. Despite the ill treatment they have received from the Baseball Gods this year in their fantasy league, they have spent the last month praying to the Gods for an explanation for these happenings.

On July 15th the Averys received what they believe is an answer to their prayers. After ordering his fourth double Makers on the rocks, Mac almost dropped his drink all over his lap. “Kelly, come look at this!” he exclaimed. One of the ice cubes in his drink was almost a perfect portrait of The Sultan of Swat himself, George Herman (AKA Babe) Ruth. After throwing back the rest of the bourbon, Mac finally understood the freak attendance at both Mothers’ and Fathers’ Days, as well as the Babe ice cube. “This is a sign from the Baseball Gods! It is time to procreate! We are to facilitate the second coming of Babe Ruth so that neither Bonds nor A-Rod can hold the homerun record”, he shouted. “You, Kelly, are destined to become the, er, um, not-so virgin mother of the reincarnation of the Babe.”

Whether Mac was on his fourth or seventh double Makers, we don’t know. We do know that if the Averys actually have a child who is to become the homerun champ, that child will have to be much, much taller, stronger, and better at baseball than both parents.

Hey Joe....

...Nice Marmol!