Bling Bling Ring Sting Exposes Bowling League Scandal

Fantasy baseball bling is a status symbol in Los Angeles. To date, four Bowling Leaguers have championship rings to show for their hard work over the years: Jeff Fine (Season 2 winner), Marc Hutchison (Season 3 winner), Cyrus Kariman (Season 5 winner), and Mac Avery (the league’s only two-time winner, in Seasons 1 and 4).

While championship rings are typically front page stories when they are presented to the League Champion, LACBL bling has once again made headlines – this time for the wrong reasons. Unconfirmed reports began circulating last week that two “lovable losers” in the Bowling League – Joe and Mark Sonka – tried to acquire championship bling through nefarious means.

In an undercover sting operation, LACBL police officers (pictured, above) posing as black market ring counterfeiters, were solicited by the brothers Sonka to produce both LACBL championship rings and forged championship credentials. The Sonka brothers have been placed on probation in the Bowling League. Any subsequent transgressions will result in their swift removal from the league.

In a related story, the results of “Operation Bling Sting” led investigators to pursue other unconfirmed reports in Los Angeles. Although nearly all of the other rumors proved to be unfounded, officials did uncover a second LACBL ring scandal. Over the weekend, an authentic Bowling League Championship Ring was posted for auction on eBay. After the bidding ended, league authorities apprehended both parties in the transaction. The seller, who posted under the clever eBay username of “Mike Bolton,” was identified as Marc Hutchison. In a move that brings back memories of OJ Simpson selling his Heisman Trophy for dinner money, Hutchison apparently was trying to sell his Season 3 ring for a completed dissertation, some younger starting pitching, and a box of Ho-Ho’s. The buyer, purchasing under the username “Four Dingers”, was identified as long-time LACBL non-winner Rich Fording. Following his arrest, Fording was heard screaming “I really can’t even BUY a victory in this league!” No announcement has been made about whether Hutchison or Fording will face disciplinary actions.

Fantasy Bling! Bling!™

Failing to impress the women or get respect in the workplace? Forget all about your failures in the real world by advertising your fantasy success. They might be able to hurt your ego but they will never damage this platinum† ring. Your keepers may only last one season, but the Fantasy Bling!Bling!™ will last a lifetime.††

† One in one hundred rings include twenty percent platinum.
†† Fantasy Bling! Bling™ is not responsible for any discoloration to your fingers that may result from wearing our rings.

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The Ten (um, make that Five) Commandments of the Bowling League (reprised)

Los Angelees - by Boston Teabag Party:

The more things change, the more things stay the same. It seems that some Bowling League behavior is cyclical, so a refresher course in the Five Commandments may be in order. The Commandments appeared in the LA Times several years ago, and appear to be a ‘living document’ that still applies to modern LACBL times.Thou shalt not become a deadbeat owner

This is the cornerstone of an enjoyable season. As Mandi, Tae-Hyung, Draft-All-Cardinals Mike, etc. have gone the way of the Dodo, we finally have a group of owners that pay regular attention to their teams. Early in the Bowling League, these deadbeat owners had teams with numerous players either in the minors or on the DL in their starting lineup, purely out of neglect. Responding to trade offers (even with text telling the other owner constructively how to shove his/her offer) relatively quickly is also considered good etiquette in the Bowling League. Given that we seem to have purged the deadbeats over several seasons, this no longer seems to be an issue. However, should we suffer a relapse here, punishment may include adding your name to the above list of extinct LACBL owners. Your jersey will not be retired.

Thou shalt not forget/refuse to pay the league entry fee within in a reasonable period of time
We have been relatively flexible as to what constitutes a reasonable period in past seasons. However, even last season there were several owners who did not pay until the season had ended. The season is 6 months long, people! Let's try to give Commish Hutch the money as soon as possible. Punishment includes preventing you from getting any prize money that you may be eligible for, as well as having your wages garnished.

Thou shalt not make a terrible trade that bastardizes the entire league standings
While the LA Times previously rode the Gashouse Gorillas like a pony about this in the past, amazingly he appears to have been broken of the bad habit. Perhaps public chastising will also “correct” the behavior of young Adam Butz. Trading away elite players to the best team in the league brings the ire of all around you. Punishment includes a scathing news story from the Teabags, and hopefully others.

Thou shalt not free ride on the news stories and entertaining posts
We’ve made dramatic improvements in this regard over the years, evolving from the days of the LA Times, when independent contributions were few and far between (Mac, Joe, Marc, and Josh were notable exceptions here). While our list of regular contributors includes those same owners, along with Kelly, the league would benefit from contributions from everyone. Punishment will be a steadily declining number of stories here for your (and my) amusement.

Thou shalt not overly mix business with pleasure
While the LACBL is not solely a league of political scientists, the league certainly has those roots. Given that we spend a disproportionate amount of time nose-deep in the discipline, many of us seek solace in the non-political jocularities of the Bowling League. While this is not an absolute rule, abundant allusions to movies, television, and popular culture are generally more widely enjoyed by the LACBL. References to the Big Lebowski are especially encouraged, as League tradition is as much rooted in the ways of the Dude as they are to the ways of political science.

Follw these simple decrees, and we will all enjoy the 6th installment of the LACBL.